


The Phoenix Rune

by Saadie



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon compliant future fic, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, M/M, Slow Burn, immortality issues, multiple character deaths, resurrected!Alec, so many feels
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-18
Updated: 2018-10-01
Packaged: 2019-03-21 00:10:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 32,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13728954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saadie/pseuds/Saadie
Summary: This is an Alec-resurrection fic, full of angst but with an eventual happy ending: Alec is reborn as a baby, and as he is raised in Idris he learns of his first life, and of Magnus. Alec and Magnus reconnect when the reborn-Alec is an adult, but starting over is scary and complicated, especially while they're under the immense pressure of leading negotiations between warring factions of the Shadow World. (Essentially this is my attempt to have my cake and eat it too with the mortal vs immortal debate.)





	1. As Fate Would Have It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are Shadow-world politics in this chapter but politics won't be the focus for the rest of the fic. It's just getting us where we need to go and providing some key background info on how the resurrection works :)

“Magnus has already been informed, so while we wait for him to grace us with his presence, we may as well advise you of the reason you have been summoned to the Joint Council,” Chairman Boyd says to Alec.

“Magnus? This is about Magnus?” Alec asks, confused.

“Are you aware of the situation in Gymatrius?” Boyd presses, ignoring Alec’s question.

“I know it’s a particularly bloody conflict between several factions of the Shadow-world. Gone on for years,” Alec answers, brows furrowing.

“Correct,” Boyd says, “But lately it has escalated, increasingly spilling over into mundane business.”

Alec takes a moment to survey the grim reactions of the Shadowhunters, Werewolves, Seelies, Vampires, and Warlocks seated around the large, round conference table.

“That’s an awfully polite way of saying mundanes are being killed in the crossfire,” Alec says, unimpressed.

Boyd opens his mouth, whether to apologize or mount a defense, Alec doesn’t know, and Chairwoman Rheys takes over before he has chance to find out.

“Yes, it is,” Rheys admits on Boyd’s behalf, “And it has reached the point where it threatens to expose the entire Shadow-world. Thus, a few weeks ago, the Council stepped in, offering our assistance as a peace broker. Last night our representatives in Gymatrius confirmed that the leaders of each faction have agreed on the negotiators they will all work with...”

Alec sighs, realization dawning, “Me and Magnus.”

As if on cue, Magnus comes within earshot in the hallway at the same moment, freezing in place just beyond the doorway upon hearing his name said by such a familiar, but long-missed, voice.

“You two have quite the reputation,” Boyd goes on, “In the later years of your… past life, together you must have successfully negotiated and drafted half a dozen critical peace treaties.”

“Seven,” Alec says.

“Seven?”

“Seven critical peace treaties. I’ve studied up on my previous life,” Alec says flatly.

“Of course,” Rheys nods.

“But how many of those treaties do I remember negotiating? _Zero_ ,” Alec scoffs, “Do the faction leaders know that? Do they know that they're not exactly getting elder statesman Alexander Lightwood-Bane?”

“The story of your resurrection is rather well-known, Alec. The leaders are aware that you do not possess any memories from your past life, and it is quite obvious you are not _‘elder’_ at the moment,” Boyd states, waving his hand at Alec’s 19-year-old rune-covered body.

Alec shakes his head, “Magnus should handle it on his own. I'll just get in the way.”

“No. You are the same soul as that celebrated negotiator,” Rheys argues, “And by all accounts from immortals who knew you both as a young _and_ old man in your past life, and who have now watched you grow up in this new life, your personality and temperament are much more aligned with that of the aged Alec.”

“It’s true, Alec,” Chairman Lewis pipes up, grinning fondly at him.

Alec swallows and manages a weak smile back, thinking of the many tales Simon has told him of their shared past, of their early adventures with Magnus, Jace, Clary and Izzy -- memories Simon holds not only for Alec now, but for those who have passed on.

“Alec,” Rheys continues, bringing the focus back to the room, “We appreciate the integral role that life experiences and knowledge play in shaping a person, but you still have your good instincts, and you are a natural leader.”

“And we cannot change the formula that the faction leaders have agreed to put their faith in -- one that they know has worked before in other conflicts. You and Magnus are a packaged deal. A team,” Boyd says.

“But we're not,” Alec frowns, “We've barely seen each other, barely spoken, since I was reborn. You told them that?”

Alec’s question is met with nervous glances and silence.

“You're kidding me right?” Alec asks, eyes narrowing, “ _If_ we’re going to do this we _can’t_ start by lying to them.”

“We did not lie--” Boyd begins.

“You omitted. You omitted when trust is _key_ ,” Alec retorts.

“Clearly Chairwoman Rheys was right -- you do have good instincts,” Magnus says to Alec as he finally makes his presence known, stepping through the doorway and sweeping into the room.  “Alexander makes a salient point. We must be totally open with the faction leaders. We will directly speak to each of them today to apprise them of the… new dynamics... and ensure they are comfortable moving forward with us.”

“We will? Today?” Alec asks, nerves flooding his system.

“That is assuming you're on board?” Magnus asks gently, giving Alec the strange feeling that they’re having a private conversation despite being in a room full of people.

“I… I want to help. But… I’m not sure if this is a good idea. I mean, if you just need me to follow you around and not speak, that I can do.”

“Your participation will have to be far more substantive,” Boyd cuts in.

Rheys glares at Boyd briefly. “The factions have agreed to a two-week truce to give them time to consult with their members and come up with a list of demands, and to give you time to prepare,” she explains.

“Two weeks… Well that’s plenty of time…” Alec says, voice dripping with sarcasm.

“Walk with me,” Magnus says, nodding at Alec, before anyone else can interject.

Alec silently gets up and follows Magnus out of the room, feeling many pairs of eyes on his back as he does.

Magnus closes the door behind them and leads Alec a short ways down the hall before speaking.

“Alexander, I truly believe that this is too important for us not to try.”

“I know,” Alec says with confidence, though his eyes plead with Magnus for more reassurance.

But Magnus offers him nothing, instead distracted by Alec’s hands dancing around at his sides, just like the hands of _his_ Alec used to do. Magnus drags his mind away from the past and raises his eyes up Alec’s body, deciding he looks a fraction younger than the 23-year-old version Magnus first met ninety or so years ago.

Noticing Magnus’s eyes trailing over his body, Alec shifts uncomfortably and crosses his arms over himself.

“Sorry… I wasn’t...” Magnus mumbles so quietly that Alec can’t quite make it out.

“Ah, so… what do I need to do to make this work?” Alec asks, trying to sound casual.

Magnus gives his head a subtle shake and clears his throat.

“For the next two weeks, you and I will work with a team of scholars during the day, studying the history of the conflict, the cultures and customs, learning everything we can about each unique player and faction leader. At night we will work one-on-one our strategy and our rapport.”

Alec mutters, “Sounds like a plan,” suddenly feeling a little hot and flustered.

“Then we will head to Gymatrius and remain there for as long as it takes to broker a deal, or otherwise determine that a deal is not possible,” Magnus ends with a serious but kind smile.

“Do you think… we could be successful?”

“We could.”

“Okay,” Alec shrugs.

“Okay?”

“I trust you,” Alec says, and though true for reasons he can’t understand, upon feeling the weight of those words he hastens to add, “I mean, I trust your assessment of the situation. And like you said, we have to try. Too many have died already.”

“Indeed. I think that the Joint Council should have intervened in this matter some time ago. They are loathe to interfere with local conflicts, and often with good reason, but in this case-- well, that’s a discussion for another day. The political will is certainly here now.”

“Then I guess we should head back in there before they change their minds,” Alec says, though selfishly he'd like to keep talking to Magnus - this being the first real conversation they've ever had, at least that he can remember.

Magnus nods, and they begin to walk back towards the Council room, but Alec halts after a few steps, changing his mind about ending the conversation.

“Magnus...” he starts to say.

Magnus turns on his heel and places a hand lightly on Alec’s upper arm. “We’ll have more time to talk. I promise.”

“You’re finally going to have to spend time with me,” Alec says, wincing internally for the unintentional edge of bitterness in his tone, and more regretful still when Magnus pulls his hand back quickly.

“You know I stayed away so we would at least have a chance to decide if… if… When the time was right.”

“I'm an adult now,” Alec says like it's the answer to everything.

“It's still… complicated,” Magnus says with a sad smile as he reaches to turn the doorknob.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first legit chapter fic I've written, and I don't really know what makes people like chapter fics because I generally only read one/two shots... So I'd love to hear your thoughts! (Also summarizing and tagging chaptered fics is way harder than for one-shots hey??) I do have several chapters in the bank already.
> 
> Chat with me on [tumblr](http://saadiestuff.tumblr.com)!


	2. Immortality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay now we’ve got a bit of angst going.

Immortality.

In the course of their first decade together, they fought, cried, and talked themselves in circles over it.

Vampire? No. Neither were fans of the fact that Alec would first have to _die_ in order to turn, among other downsides. And Magnus could conceive of better options.

Alec was also dead set against any method that would prematurely break his parabatai bond with Jace. This remained so even when, after a particularly difficult fight with Magnus, Jace had tearfully given Alec both his permission and his forgiveness, knowing, _feeling_ just how much it was tearing Alec up inside.

_I will still love you. We’ll still be brothers. I will still call you parabatai until the day I die. Alec, if I’m all that’s holding you back… don’t let me._

But Jace wasn’t all. Besides the fact that Magnus hadn’t found a completely satisfactory method yet, the prospect of immortality was terrifying if Alec thought too hard. He felt his mortal mind could never truly grasp the concept of living _forever_ , even if it meant a forever with Magnus.

And so Alec allowed himself to be distracted with the rigors of his job, the joys of everyday life with Magnus, and later with their newly adopted Warlock son, Theo. He told himself that if Magnus came to him with a viable idea, he would be receptive. But as inventive as Magnus was, finding a safe, surefire, way to make someone immortal was proving to be no easy task -- and it wasn’t meant to be.

~~~

In the end, the choice was taken out of their hands when Alec was 33, by a battle with a rogue, corrupted, angel gone horribly wrong.

Alec had lead the emergency team deployed to stop the massacre. The angel, with wings of fire, had struck out at Alec’s chest with a stele, instantly burning through his shirt and marking him with a red coloured rune resembling a bird.

The force of the hit and the blinding pain took Alec down, and he was out for days.

When he did drift awake in the infirmary, it was to the sound of Magnus sobbing over Jace’s voice.

“Magnus, you’ve been at this for days. You’re completely drained and you’re going to hurt yourself to keep trying. Alec is going to be fine, he’s just--”

“You don’t understand!” Magnus wailed, “I had a way, Jace! For months I’ve had a way to make him immortal,” his voice trembled, “But I felt I needed to be sure, so I double, triple, quadruple checked everything, but it was all solid, and I realized I was just scared. Scared to bring it to him. Scared of another fight when things were so good. And we have Theo now--” he broke again.

“I’m telling you I can _feel_ him. He’s okay in there. He’s okay, he’s okay,” Jace promised, but it sounded more like a plea.

As Alec’s eyes finally cracked open, he saw Magnus wrecked, his parabatai holding him up, trying valiantly to settle him into a chair.

Alec resolved then to let Magnus make him immortal, whatever it took.

~~~

Weeks of digging through dusty ancient texts in the libraries of Idris had eventually identified the red symbol on Alec’s chest as the Phoenix Rune. What it did and how it worked remained questions, though many a theory were offered, all deriving from the mythological regenerative abilities of the rune’s namesake.

In the meantime, Alec made a full recovery, and in the months that followed they adopted an infant Shadowhunter named Renly who had been orphaned by the battle with the angel. They also continued to search for answers about the rune.

And Magnus tried to make Alec immortal -- but everything failed.

The Phoenix Rune repelled all attempts at immortality magic, glowing bright red and searing Alec’s skin whenever they tried over the years.

Clary offered the most positive outlook. “Maybe it doesn’t work because the rune _does_ make Alec immortal, and one person can’t have two types of immortality?”

~~~

Magnus knew that as long as he lived he would never forget get the scene of Alec collapsed and writhing on the floor, screaming in pain, clutching at his chest, the smell of his burnt flesh and hair in the air, yet managing to yell out, _‘Magnus, keep going!’_

But Magnus had stopped then, and rushed to Alec’s side.

“I’m so sorry Alec, I’m--”

“It’s okay. I know you can’t stand to hurt me,” Alec said weakly, “We can get another warlock to do it.”

“No. No, Alec. I’ve pushed it far enough...” he flinched for the pain he had caused his lover, “far enough to know now that it won’t work. The feedback from the rune… the magic just won’t take. It would let you die first.”

They never tried again.

~~~

Alec frequently studied the rune in the mirror, the outstretched wings, the seven feather-like lines sticking out of what he decided was the head of the abstract bird. Magnus did the same. On multiple occasions Alec caught Magnus absently tracing over it on his naked chest as they lay in bed, fingers twined in the coarse hair that grew over it.

And as it became clear that Alec was aging at the same rate as his peers, they debated the possibilities.

_“I think I should write some things down about my life, about us, in a journal. In case I get resurrected with amnesia. You can give it to me and help remind me,” Alec mused._

_“If you get resurrected at all, you could come back as a baby on the other side of the world in some other body. Or for all we know you could come back as… as... a chipmunk, or a turtle! How will I give you a journal to read then?” Magnus snapped at him._

_Alec cracked a smile at the chipmunk suggestion. But as the tears started to fall from Magnus’s eyes he remembered this wasn’t funny at all._

_“Hey, hey,” Alec said softly, squeezing Magnus’s hands, “You and me, we always find our way back to each other.”_

_Magnus had grabbed Alec then and kissed him roughly, stripped him of his clothes, and fucked him long and hard and deep, hoping to imprint some part of himself onto Alec’s very soul... if only he could bury far enough inside._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still with me?
> 
> I just finished writing a few of the later chapters and I can’t wait for you to see those! But now I need to jazz up some of the middle chapters you're getting next so you'll stick it out until then ;)
> 
> Chat with me on [tumblr](http://saadiestuff.tumblr.com)!


	3. Life & Death... & Life

The mystery of the Phoenix Rune did not consume their whole lives.

Alec and Magnus raised their two sons, Theo and Renly, who also had a number of cousins thanks to Izzy, Jace, and Max. They had their careers, and helped their corner of the Shadow world breach the true cusp of new era of peace.

Alec, his siblings, and Clary, slowly worked on reforming the Clave. It wasn’t perfect - change takes a lot of time - but they found strength in numbers among many allies within their generation, the leaders of a tomorrow that was closer every day.

And later, their home settled, Alec and Magnus expanded their reach, including together successfully negotiating and drafting a number of peace treaties around the Shadow world.

Life went on. And though their jobs were still dangerous - contending with demons always would be - Alec, Jace, Clary, Izzy and Max all lived to meet their grandchildren. Renly and his wife gave Magnus and Alec three; Theo, on the other hand, made no plans to settle down.

~~~

Jace was the first to die. Alec was never quite the same after their parabatai rune faded to white scar on his wrinkled skin. Alec’s last public speech was the eulogy at Jace’s funeral.

But it was over two years later before Alec was ailing on several fronts beyond the reach Warlock healing-magic.

Magnus rarely left Alec’s side in his last months, though they were both devastated to find that nearly every conversation they tried to start somehow ended with the Phoenix Rune, the prospect of its terrible mystery soon to be revealed. The frequent visits from family were a welcome respite.

For, by now, there was nothing new Alec and Magnus could say to each other on the subject of resurrection, all of it gone over and over before. Many decades ago they had learned to stop fighting about it, recognizing that they were on the same side, that raised voices and hurtful words were fueled by a common fear of the uncertain, not anger with each other. Since then there had been only quiet, sometimes tearful discussions, alternating between talking it out and sitting silently in mutual contemplation, holding each other.

And over the years those discussions arose out of various reminders of Alec’s mortality, ranging from whenever Alec sustained a particularly nasty injury, to when a grey hair sprung from his head, or at notable birthday milestones. Or, sometimes in quieter moments like when, after spending an afternoon going through old photo albums, a lined-faced Alec shyly asked Magnus to turn off the lights before they made love.

But now, every single wheezy, laboured, breath Alec took turned their minds to the firey-red rune.

~~~

_“Magnus, my love, remember what you promised me?” Alec said weakly, struggling against his failing body telling him to sleep, “That you will look for me, but only for so long. That you won’t spend eternity searching. That you will allow yourself to love again.”_

_Indeed, Magnus had promised it many times before, for Alec’s sake, but he couldn’t promise it now. He couldn’t risk that his last words to Alec may be a lie._

_“I’m not ready,” he cried into Alec’s chest, “I’m not ready,” speaking the only truth he knew._

~~~

Alec died peacefully at the age of 88, Theo, Renly, Izzy, Max, and Magnus at his side.

Magnus wailed when Alec's body instantly burst into flames and turned to ash in his arms. A violent crack of magic shook the walls.

~~~

In the early days, when nothing rose from the ashes, Magnus and the entire extended family checked with every contact they had, asking about strange occurrences, or magical births, anything that may lead them to a resurrected Alec.

As the weeks, and then some months went on, everyone gave up. Except Magnus. He became increasingly convinced that Alec was right there in those ashes and nowhere else. At first he had thought the ashes a cruel twist, to deprive him of precious time to hold his lover after his heart stilled. But now he clung to them as hope in physical form.

Magnus’s family became more and more concerned by his deepening conviction, by the aggressive denial of his grief, and confronted him.

“Why waste energy on grief when he could still come back to me? It may take a hundred years mind you but-- oh, a century! That would be poetic. The universe does love poetry,” Magnus mused, the wild look in his eyes, and another glass of alcohol downed, only worrying them all the more.

It was some time still until the dam broke.

Magnus had suffered losses before, grieved before, loved before, been heartbroken before. He had known this would be hard, impossible even, yet nothing had prepared him. But, he was strong, and even as he spiralled he thought one day he might be okay. Alec would want that.

In the years that passed, Magnus threw himself into his work, his friends and his family. No one was so surrounded by people, and at the same time as much a recluse, as was Magnus.

And the cycle of life and death continued. Alec’s little brother Max died, as did Clary, who Magnus never stopped calling “biscuit”. In turn, the first of Magnus’s great grandchildren were born.

~~~

In the morning of what was Alec's birthday, and approaching the seven-year anniversary of his death, Magnus brought the container of ashes out of their carefully warded hiding spot at the back of his closet. Alec had told Magnus to do whatever he needed to do with his remains, whatever made it easier, but Magnus smiled fondly thinking of what Alec would say. _The closet, Magnus? Really?_  

Magnus placed the container on the table in front of him, preparing to drink his sorrows before the inevitable onslaught of his well-meaning family and friends began, all determined to distract him on this difficult day.

“Happy birthday, Alexander, my love,” he toasted, seconds before the container burst into flames.

Magnus was paralyzed, feeling the licks of heat near his bare arms but unable to move. _This is a dream_ , he told himself. After all he’d _had_ this very dream a thousand times before, the one where Alec returns to him.

Whether it was seconds or minutes the fire blazed, Magnus didn't know. But when the flames died, the container of ashes was gone, and in its place, a pale, runed, dark haired newborn baby, screaming his lungs out.

Magnus scarcely dared breathe as he looked the wriggling baby over, taking stock of the tiny runes. All of Alec's permanent runes were in their rightful places -- goodness knows Magnus still had them all memorized -- just scaled down, including signature deflect rune on his neck, a white scar of a parabatai rune above his hip, a sharp black wedded rune on his wrist matching Magnus's tattoo, and the red Phoenix Rune on his chest.

In a daze, Magnus picked up the naked baby and began to rock him as he searched for a blanket, and then portaled to Renly’s home.

~~~

Miraculously, for once, Renly and Magnus were able to get a hold of Theo. They met him at the home of Izzy’s youngest child, Raquel, with whom Izzy lives in Idris.

Renly and Theo knocked on the door while Magnus waited to the side, holding the baby, whom he had yet to put down.

It was early on a Saturday, but Raquel wasn't home, and Izzy took a long time to get to the door. She was still sharp but had slowed down considerably, now in her nineties.

“Did something happen?” she asked fearfully, the unexpected visit from two of her nephews somewhat concerning.

“No, Aunt Isabelle, no, nothing like that. It's a good thing,” Renly assured her.

“Though you should still probably sit down first,” Theo added.

“Alec?” she asked, eyes going wide.

“Let’s go inside,” Renly suggested, casting an uneasy glance at Theo.

They helped her into the living room and sat her down before calling in Magnus. He walked the bundle over to Izzy and knelt beside her so she could see.

“By the Angel, Magnus,” was all she got out before choking up.

For several hours they discussed what it meant, what his future would be, who would raise him, and where. Until there was one final question.

“What do we call him?” Theo asked.

“Alexander Gideon Lightwood,” Magnus answered without hesitation.

“...-Bane?” Izzy added.

“No,” Magnus said curtly.

“Magnus…”

“He certainly has his DNA, but we have no idea how this works, who he is in there, what he’ll be like. He can change his name later if…” Magnus shook his head, “I can’t even begin to consider that possibility right now. It’s too strange.”

Then they heard the door open.

“Mom, I’m home! I brought lunch!” came Raquel’s voice.

Not a minute later Raquel stood puzzled in the doorway of her living room.

“What’s going on?” she asked suspiciously, “Whose baby is--”

“It’s Alec…”

“By the Angel,” she gasped.

“Raquel, honey,” Izzy said softly, “we want you to raise him.”

“You-- what?” she asked, shocked.

“Maybe we should’ve given her a minute?” Theo shrugged.

Raquel, not easily flustered, recovered quickly, as Izzy knew her daughter would.

“But, what about you three?” she looked around at Magnus, Renly, and Theo.

“I’m always travelling, don’t have a fixed address, and never wanted kids,” Theo said flatly, “And then there’s the fact that it would make me my own grandfather,” he added ruefully.

“There’s that… and… I’m getting old already,” Renly said, glancing nervously at Magnus, knowing he didn’t like to hear such things.

“And if I raise him... there’s no going back from that,” Magnus said, looking down regretfully at the baby in his arms - at Alec.

Raquel slowly nodded her understanding, “Then why me? I mean, I would be honoured, but, there are so many family to choose from.”

“Name someone who you think would do a better job,” Magnus challenged.

Although polite humility should have had names forming on her tongue, they would have been false. She was the obvious choice, in her early fifties, the youngest of the cousins, but the unspoken and undisputed next-in-line as matriarch of the family after Izzy. She had raised two children, but now lamented her empty nest. She had a solid career and was respected within the Clave. And she had become very close to Magnus in recent years, since Izzy had started living with her, Magnus made frequent visits.

So instead, Raquel took a breath, silently accepted her new duty in her heart, and walked calmly towards Magnus. “May I?” she asked.

Alec gave a squawk as Magnus passed him to her, but instantly settled in her arms.

“Hello little one,” she said sweetly, rearranging the blanket, “Oh my Angel, he has runes?”

“Yes.”

Her brow furrowed. “Everyone will know who he is… Are you sure you want him raised in Idris?”

“No, I’m not,” Magnus said, discontented, “But…”

“But short of taking him into hiding… There is nowhere among Shadowhunters he can grow up anonymously, perhaps few places in the Shadow world at all. And we think he should be raised as a Shadowhunter. It’s an important part of who he was,” Renly explained.

“Here, he will be surrounded and supported by family,” Izzy said with import.

“My grandchildren are young, and more to be born. Same for those of our cousins, and perhaps for you one day too. Half of them are here, in Idris. He will grow up side by side with them,” Renly said.

“His life will be… complicated…” Raquel said, looking sadly at Magnus as Alec’s tiny fingers gripped one of her own, and she raised up his little arm with the wedded rune. “And some in the Clave will consider him an asset, will try to control him.”

“You’ll see him through it,” Magnus said, “And will fend off the Clave when necessary.”

“I won’t lie to you Raquel, it won’t be easy, for him or for you sometimes,” Izzy said solemnly.

“No, it won’t be,” Raquel sighed and smiled down at Alec, “But we’ve got this.”

~~~

It soon became apparent that Alec was aging and developing at a normal rate, his once tiny runes scaling up in size proportionately as he grew, and though he was certainly a bit of an old soul, he had no memories of his past life.

And so he was raised in a world where everyone knew his name, his story, his history with Magnus, better than he did for a while. There were great expectations on him before he could even talk.

Izzy died when Alec was six. His only vague memory of the event was a feeling of distress upon seeing his mother cry for the first time.

Otherwise he had a happy childhood, was and felt loved. His extended family was supportive and a daily presence. Above all, he enjoyed the company of the younger members of the family, those who never knew, or were too young to remember, him as their elder - he felt like a normal kid with them, though he didn’t necessarily know why. Alec became especially close with Jace’s great-granddaughter, Kara, born the same year as him. As she got older, everyone said she looked like Clary - which was true, Alec had seen the photos.

Old photos were a strange thing for Alec growing up. There were family albums of _him_ with people he didn't remember. His birth mother, his siblings, his parabatai. Alec knew exactly what he would look like when he got old.

And then there was the mystery of Magnus, who he only saw at the occasional family wedding or funeral. When Alec was ten, he overheard people saying that Magnus visited others in his family, just never when Alec was around. All he could process was that it hurt to be left out, and nothing more.

As he entered his early teen years and truly started to grasp just how different he was, what that meant, and how he could be _used_ , he began to find it hard to trust, never sure of someone's motives, weary of letting anyone get too close. So, he stayed in the orbit of his family, of Kara and the others his age, and he got along alright.

By fourteen, the concept of _Magnus_ had started to form a confusing cloud in the back of his mind.

But he felt secure. And he was happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next 4 chapters will feature resurrected!Alec aged 15-18, growing pains, tragedy, and some Magnus sightings. I'm excited for those! Then we’ll be back around to where we started in Chapter 1.


	4. Take What You Need

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec at 15

The devastation is striking.

Alec and a team of other young Shadowhunters stand in the middle of a flattened mundane neighbourhood, the buildings demolished for blocks and blocks. Even their superiors have rarely seen this level of destruction.

“What the hell kind of demon does this?”

“A hoard of big ones. Warlocks did some of the damage trying to put the demons down, but it was necessary. How those things got into this realm in the first place… that’s the question.”

“Well, if there’s any evidence of that in this mess, my squad will find it. We’re to head to the east site, correct? Looks to be in better shape.”

“Correct. Everyone’s started on their work there. Including some fresh warlocks.”

Alec slowly zones out of the conversation happening in front of him, missing the instructions, his attention caught by the slightest tinge of magic hanging in the air, brushing his skin with an oddly familiar tingle and inexplicably drawing him to wander off to the west _,_ towards nothing but ash and rubble.

He finds himself unsurprised when he scales a pile of concrete and is suddenly able to spot a warlock in the distance, alone, tiny but bright puffs of magic dancing elegantly around him. Alec squints against the sun to identify the form, but the ghost of himself already knows who it is.

From his new, high vantage point, Alec can also see a much older Shadowhunter closeby, one he doesn’t know, standing in a crater and staring down at a screen in hand.  

“Is no one helping him?” Alec asks as he approaches the Shadowhunter.

Hearing Alec’s young voice, the Shadowhunter doesn’t look up. “You’re supposed to be at the east site. West is being left as is for the moment,” he waves his hand dismissively.

“Then, what’s he doing?”

“Who?” The Shadowhunter finally raises his head and glances around, then his eyes come to rest on Alec and he straightens up briskly, “Oh! Sir, uh… I’m sorry sir, I didn’t realize--”

“At ease,” Alec says quickly.

Even at barely fifteen years old, Alec is used to this by now -- older Shadowhunters who knew him as their superior in his past life recognizing him and reverting to their old training. Sometimes it could be useful.

“What is Magnus doing?” Alec repeats.

The Shadowhunter clears his throat and reports, “It is my understanding that Mr. Lightwood-Bane was largely drained from the fight and subsequent healing work, but indicated that he still desired to attend to some delicate building reconstruction. He mentioned there were a few structures of cultural significance on the outskirts.”

“Thank you,” Alec nods.

“Of course, Sir.”

Alec continues to walk the remainder of the way towards Magnus, picking his way through the rubble, kicking a small chunk of concrete along in front of him, compelled by curiosity and something else. He gives no thought to what he'll do once he arrives at his destination, not even sure he plans to reach it.

When Alec is finally only a block away, a surge of magic and a sharp crackle spur him into a run, his long legs carrying him swiftly to Magnus.

As he slows to a jog and approaches wordlessly from behind, he’s not sure what Magnus is doing other than seemingly struggling to hold a half-collapsed building steady.

“What’s wrong?” Alec calls out.

It breaks Magnus's concentration and tendrils of his magic scatter as he casts a glance over his shoulder. He looks exhausted. 

“Damn it!” Magnus curses, trying to refocus on the task. He groans with the effort, gritting his teeth, “I’m drained, I can’t hold it much longer!”

_Hold what?_ The question half forms in Alec's mind before he sees the magic waning, what's left of the building shift... and a demon’s limbs splaying out from underneath the rubble as it struggles.

Alec immediately pulls out his bow and takes a few steps towards it, arrow drawn.

“NO!” Magnus booms at him, “You need to call--”  but even that directs too much energy away from his magic. The ground shakes.

_“_ Uhh okay,” Alec agrees, quickly pulling out his phone. “Come on, come on, pick up-- Kara! Kara, there’s a demon at the west site-- yes, alive! We need-- Oh shit,” he says as Magnus’s magic suddenly flares and then dims.

Alec drops his phone as he scrambles towards Magnus. “You can use my energy, right? Take what you need,” he says as he extends his hand, causing his sleeve to ride up and expose the bottom of the wedded rune there.

Magnus stares at Alec, looking even more exhausted than a second ago, his expression unreadable, but Alec is almost sure he’s done something wrong.

But Magnus takes his hand.

When they connect, energy surges through with ease, and Alec instantly feels weak, like the force that keeps him alive is being let out of him. Yet, to trust Magnus with his life feels strangely like a comfort.

It is then Alec realizes that Magnus has really only been an abstract concept until this moment.

On cue, his brain begins to scream, _Holy shit, this is Magnus! This is Magnus!_ \- a stream of questions trip over each other as they race to his lips. Questions he didn't even know he had.

At the same time, his body, and something deeper, only whispers calmly, _Oh, there you are. There you are._

And there is Alec, in the middle of it all, trying desperately to concentrate, squeezing his eyes shut and clutching Magnus’s hand so hard that he can feel both of their hearts beating in his palm.

They manage to hold the demon in place until help arrives, and keep it down while several other warlocks send rounds of deadly pulses of magic straight into its core. It takes only minutes, but Alec and Magnus both collapse, spent.

“Alexander, are you alright?” Magnus asks.

“Y--yeah,” he lies, head spinning, “Are-- are you?” though from the look on Magnus’s face he thinks the answer might be no.

They’re interrupted as several people rush towards them, Kara leading the charge.

“Alec, are you okay?” she asks, frowning with concern as she kneels beside him.

“Hmm? Sure,” Alec answers absently.

“This is some deja vu,” Magnus mutters as he rolls far to the side and gets up. Channelling Alec’s strength, and now recognizing Clary’s great-granddaughter who looks just like her - it’s a lot.

As Alec pulls himself up, he notices Dot, whom he knows in passing, approaching them as well.

“Whiskey, rocks?” Dot says to Magnus quietly, raising an eyebrow and tilting her head in Alec’s direction.  

As Magnus nods, she instantly conjures a portal.

Alec is only a few arms’ lengths away; he could reach out, stop Magnus from leaving. But he doesn't move.

It's not even a conscious decision, but confronting Magnus would mean opening the floodgates to questioning his very identity. He's just a kid, despite his wise old soul - one that knows it would be too much, too soon.

And Magnus is another wise old soul.

He doesn't look back as he steps through the portal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you believe Shadowhunters airs THIS month!? Yay!  
> Next up, Alec at 16. A lot can change in a year and a bit, especially at that age.  
> [tumblr](https://saadiestuff.tumblr.com/)


	5. Am I me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec at 16. Cue the usual teen angst and hormones but poor Alec has a few complicating factors...

Jake is 17, with three seasons on Alec, but little more experience than Alec’s complete lack thereof. He’s kind and attractive and possesses a quiet confidence that an uncomplicated life has let him effortlessly slip into.

Most importantly, he has never looked at Alec the way some do: like Alec would make for a unique feather in their cap.

The first time wasn't planned. They’d practically fallen into each other as the fifth and sixth wheels on an unsupervised, overnight, wilderness training exercise. Afterwards, Alec had immediately panicked, fearing scrutiny - questions about Magnus - if anyone found out he’d fooled around with someone else. He’d begged Jake to keep it a secret, and Jake had only shrugged, “It’s cool, I get it”. Except Alec had been sure Jake didn’t get it, because Alec didn’t even understand it himself.

A few nerve-wracking weeks later it had become clear that Jake hadn’t told a soul. But Alec’s fading panic had soon been replaced with guilt. When the guilt hadn’t ceded, instead roaring back every time he glimpsed the wedded rune on his wrist, he’d become angry. Angry at himself, at Magnus, at the stupid red rune on his chest. _He shouldn't have to feel like this, should he? It wasn't fair._ Confused and resentful, lonely and horny, hoping that the high of just feeling close to someone would chase the rest away, he’d finally sought Jake out again.

And again.

They never talk much, it’s all clumsy hands and mouths and making each other feel good. They’re certainly not dating, though it’s been going on and off, in secret, for months; Alec cycling through the same mess of emotions every time, and Jake, indifferent, though not callously so. He genuinely likes Alec, but even more so he likes things to be easy and undramatic. Unlike Alec, he is relaxed about everything, just rolling with life. And Alec knows Jake will eventually roll right on unless Alec stops him, which he knows he probably won’t.

One day, Raquel accidentally walks in on them kissing, lacking certain items of clothing. She slips away with their notice but without words.

That is, until later, after spending a day fretting about what else she may have missed.

“So… is it serious?” she asks cautiously.

Alec is startled at first but quickly looks away and down at his hands.

“It's okay if it's not,” she assures him, her tone softed. “I know it’s easier said than done, but there’s no need to be embarrassed. Well, except maybe about your lack of ingenuity with the door-locking rune. Back in my day, 16-year-old boys were masters of that one.”

She smiles towards him, anticipating perhaps a blush, an eyeroll, or a groaned _‘Mom’_.

What she gets is tears and a trembling sob.

“Oh sweetheart,” she says as she goes to him, “Was it something I said?”

“Are you going to tell Magnus?” Alec shudders out, “You talk sometimes, don't you?”

“Oh, honey, no,” she sighs, realizing they are about to have one of those conversations she’d expected from the moment Magnus first placed the rune-covered baby in her arms.

They’d already had most of those talks, starting early. Short of placing him in a bubble, it had been impossible to shield him. Alec was a very small child when he noticed he was the only one his age marked with runes, and soon after identified the wedded rune. He had been so young for those, and other, conversations; fortunately often too young for even the age-appropriate explanations to sink in. So, over the years, they’d fallen into a rhythm of revisiting the same topics over again as he matured.

But it had been a while since they'd flown so close to the sun on the issue of Alec's relationship with Magnus. Of course they’d had some discussion over a year ago following the incident where Magnus had channelled Alec's energy. But then she hadn't wanted to prematurely burden him with the answers to more questions he didn't yet have.

She wonders now if perhaps she's waited too long, as she wraps her not-so-little boy up in her arms and squeezes him to her as he weeps, reminded that he’s still only sixteen, even if his soul is over one-hundred. 

“I just want to be normal,” he admits brokenly, burying his face in her hair. He feels ashamed, like he's too old to be crying to his mother, to sound like a scared child afraid of disappointing people.

She rubs his back and whispers reassurances until he seems to calm and pull back from her. She releases him and strokes his face, wiping tears away.

“Talk to me, Alec.”

“Everyone thinks I’m destined to be with _him_ again,” he blurts out. “I may not carry his name now, but he walks around with mine, and so do our two kids who I don’t remember raising. And I have this...” he pulls up the sleeve of his shirt to expose the wedded rune, “...staring at me all the time.”

He pauses only briefly, sniffling, half wanting to stop talking, to not have this discussion with his mother, but the dam has broken and the words keep tumbling out.

“Sure, some guys want to… you know… do stuff,” he blushes despite how upset he is, “with the _famous_ Alec Lightwood, but who would ever want a real relationship with me when they think I’ll eventually dump them for Magnus? And maybe they’re right, but how can I even know that when I’ve barely met him?”

He stops to let out a shaky breath, nose twitching to try to maintain his tenuous composure.

“And…” Alec hesitates, “...am I cheating on him? Should I even _want_ a relationship with someone else? I have the same body, the same soul as before… What does that mean? Am I his husband, just with no memories of our life together, of _my_ life? Or am I… me?” he repeats softly, “Am I just me?”

Her heart breaks for him, heavy with the knowledge that there is nothing she can say or do to fix it. Rarely has she felt so helpless as a parent.

“This isn’t only about Magnus is it?” she asks wisely.

“No… I don’t know,” he admits, hands going to hold his head before moving again. It has been steadily dawning on him just how much his very identity is wrapped up in Magnus. And he doesn’t like it. “It's confusing and it’s just… it’s so messed up, Mom,” he pauses, “I mean, if I _am_ the old me, then you’re actually my niece, and--”

“Whoa, okay, slow down,” she says, putting her hands on his shoulders.

“Sorry, I’m rambling,” he says before quieting, though his hands keep talking for several beats.

“No,” she sighs, “ _I’m_ sorry. I can’t even imagine what it’s like dealing with all of this in your head. I’m having enough trouble keeping up.”

“I’m okay,” he says, feeling the need to reassure her, knowing she can’t really help him.

She smiles sadly, struggling for what to say. “You have a lot of questions. Some questions no one has the answers to…”

“And at least some questions Magnus does,” he counters quickly. “I wasn’t ready last year when he was standing right in front of me. I know that. Now though... I just wish I’d gone to talk him before I… got into this mess. But he wouldn't see me anyways, would he?”

“Alec, this _mess_ is called growing up. It’s called life experience. Magnus wants you to have that.”

“He wants me to have relationships with other people and feel guilty?” he asks, trying not to sound as hurt as he feels, knowing it’s not what she means.

“That’s not--” she takes a breath, wishing she didn’t have to speak for Magnus, “He’s stayed away your entire life to try to give you as normal a childhood, and now adolescence, as you can have. He doesn’t own you. He wants you to have the option of seeking him out sometime when you’re an adult, if you want. And that so, if you do, it will be a fresh start, without--”

“Any weirdness,” he sighs, “I know. But would one conversation really do any harm?” he pleads.

“It’s not just _weirdness_ ,” she explains. “If, even now, Magnus interfered, injected his opinion into how to live your life, how he feels about your choices, and then in the future you two got together, there would always be a question in his mind, and perhaps eventually in yours too, of whether you chose him of your own free will, or if you were set onto a singular path towards him too young - that you got boxed in and didn't know anything else. As it is you’re already feeling that way from outside pressures, and from within yourself. Magnus will not risk being one of those influences. Does that make sense?”

Alec gulps, beginning to turn it over in his mind.

“It’s not perfect,” she admits when he doesn’t answer. “There were a few possible ways to handle things and none of them were.”

“But this was the best one,” he acknowledges quietly.

“It was. _It is._ And I'm not just saying that in defence of Magnus. He is my uncle, and we had become great friends. But the moment you were first placed in my arms, you became my son, and giving you the ability to choose your own path, the opportunity to be truly happy - whether or not that involves Magnus - became my priority.”

He finds himself nodding slowly as he comes around to acceptance, while something inside him steels to wait out his adulthood.

She squints at him, trying to discern what he’s thinking, wondering if she's gotten through. Falsely hoping it might make it easier to glimpse into Alec's mind, she reaches to brush his bangs out of his eyes, but they just fall down again. A grin cracks across his tear stained face at the familiar gesture.

“There you are,” she beams at him.

He can’t help but smile a little wider.


	6. The Journal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec at 17 and a half ish.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting early in celebration of 1 week to go until the season 3 premiere! Ahhh!

Alec had returned from celebrating his last examination at the academy to find his mother waiting for him with a notebook set out on the table in front of her: the journal his past-self had kept for him.

Now in Alec's hands, the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end when he opens it and comes face to face with eerily familiar handwriting. He immediately begins to question whether his mother was wrong, that he’s not ready for this, but he forces himself to read the first entry anyways. And it makes Alec wonder if he was a total goof in his first life.

_Hello me,_

_If you’re reading this, then I'm alive! (Or we’re alive? The pronouns are going to be a mess in here.)_

_Also, if you can read this, then you probably haven’t been resurrected as a chipmunk or a turtle either, so congratulations on that._

_I hope this will help you, though it's difficult to know what you need to know when we have no idea how this will work. You're the first to go through this, whatever ‘this’ is, but there may be more of us in the future, so perhaps you can try to improve on my diary methods._

“Definitely can improve,” Alec mutters to himself as he flips the page.

~~~

The next day, Alec hears a knock on his bedroom door.

“It’s me,” comes Kara’s voice.

“Come in,” he half gets out before Kara is already inside.

“You tell me your mom gave you the journal your past-self made for you. And then you disappear for a day, ignoring my messages while I feel all this angsty turmoil from you. Spill, Alec.”

“Turmoil? No…” he protests weakly, “That’s a little... dramatic.”

“Please, I’m your parabatai,” she cocks her head at him after she flops onto his couch, making herself comfortable.

“I know exactly what you're feeling,” they say in unison.

She glares at him. He sighs.

“The journal was just a... weird... thing to read. It was a collection of thoughts and information, not like a regular diary or anything, not even chronological all the time. It starts after the appearance of the Phoenix Rune but includes stuff from before then.”

“And are you okay?” she asks, studying his face with concern.

“I’m okay,” he assures her.

“I believe you, but, you are… experiencing emotions.”

“You sound like one of the people with the pointy ears from those ancient movies Simon made us watch.”

She frowns at him. “I just mean you’re usually very steady. That’s why I _always_ know when something’s up.”

“And then you come and try to pry it out of me.”

“Only because it’s not healthy to keep things bottled up!” she protests.

Alec huffs a laugh.

“What’s so funny?”

“You sound just like him. Or just like me?” Alec’s brow furrows, realizing that line suddenly feels more blurred now than ever before.

“Huh?”

“I-- he-- _The journal_ recommended that I not bottle things up.”

She looks at him, triumphant. “Then if you won’t take my advice, at least take your own.”

He notices she has more easily slipped into equating him and his past-self.

“Alright, alright,” he concedes, scratching his head, trying to pluck a topic from the towering pile of new knowledge that he at least has some grasp on. “Well… turns out I was a 23-year-old virgin who had never done _anything_ , never been in a real relationship, until I met Magnus.”

“Makes sense,” she shrugs, unimpressed, “You already knew the story of your almost-wedding to a woman.”

“But I didn't know all the intimate details.”

She raises an eyebrow at that.

“Not like _that_ ,” he scolds, “I just mean I thought I might have at least had some... secret liaisons... before the wedding.”

“It was another time,” she reminds him gently, “You helped change things. You and Magnus. It’s what everyone says.”

“And yet I’ve snuck around in this life for different reasons,” he grumbles.

She pounces on that one. “Yeah, and that was the last time you were throwing such heavy stuff my way,” she gestures to her parabatai rune, “For _months_. And you wouldn't talk to me about it and nearly made yourself crazy.”

Not at all keen to rehash that situation, Alec decides to distract her with something that is guaranteed to catch her attention.

“Want to know another reason why my past-self didn’t have any relationships before Magnus? ...For years I thought I was in love with your great-grandfather Jace.”

“As in your first parabatai?? What?!”

“Yep…” he confirms, before a sly grin creeps across his face, “At least that’s one problem I _definitely_ don't have this time around. I don't even like you,” he teases.

“Oh, shut up, you know you love me!” she laughs, and throws a toss cushion at him.

He dodges it and chuckles.

She thinks to throw another one, truer aimed, but instead her curiosity and her concern for her parabatai (if she’s honest, in equal proportions) get the better of her.

“So… good effort, but those juicy tidbits aren’t what’s bothering you so much.”

He gets up and starts to pace around. “I know, but… most of the things in there that you wouldn’t already know from history books or the family stories seem… private...” he reasons.

“Alec, I don’t know if you’ve noticed but we’re kind of already all up in each other’s business.”

“Believe me, I’ve noticed,” he flashes a smile at first, then his face quickly falls. There are limits to his openness, even with his parabatai. But he does want to talk to her - he always feels better when he does - and it’s clearly something his past-self endorses. Yet there are so many questions in his mind, so many revelations, he doesn’t know where to start.

She sees him struggling, and makes a suggestion. “Okay soldier, how about you give me an executive summary of your journal report.”

He rolls his eyes, but silently thanks her. Framing it that way makes it weirdly easier. He quits pacing and flings himself down beside her, groans, and rubs his hands over his face.

“It was pretty intense. Lots ‘a stuff... about how hard things were sometimes...” he takes a long breath, “The craziest thing is I don’t know if I was trying to warn me against being with Magnus - to protect Magnus or me or both - or if I was trying to prepare me for the challenges and telling me to hang in there because it’s all worth it.”

“That was kind of shitty of your old self. Couldn’t you have been more clear?”

Alec laughs, “That would’ve been nice, though I doubt the ambiguity was on purpose. But I’ll try to refine it for the benefit of my next incarnation, if there is one.”

She reaches out to rub his arm, “You’ll do a good job,” she says, pausing to smile sympathetically at him, “You know I’m here if you want to talk more, and even if you don’t.”

“I know, thanks,” he says sincerely, voice turning serious and quiet, “No offence, but I wish I could talk to Magnus about it instead,” he admits wistfully, thinking of the six-month stretch ahead until he turns eighteen.

“Hang on, you think Magnus won’t be willing to talk now, after turning over the journal?”

“It didn't exactly come with an invitation to call him up,” Alec shrugs. He’s not upset; he’s accepted that he has to wait, that it may even be a good idea.

She frowns intently. “It's not fair. Magnus should be here, helping you to make sense of it all.”

“It's not like this is easy for him,” Alec says defensively, the words snapping out more harshly than he expected.

“I suppose that's true,” she says apologetically, taken aback, realizing she's hit a nerve - one that’s new and raw.

Alec too is surprised, finding his eyes suddenly prickling with tears.

“Sorry, I guess I just…” he begins, but the words die in his throat as he recalls the final journal entry, the words penned faintly in shaky handwriting.

_I know we have the easy job. We just have to die. Magnus has to live._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter, Magnus is back! But you're going to hate me.  
> Come be excited about season 3 with me on [tumblr](https://saadiestuff.tumblr.com/)


	7. Our Son

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec a few weeks shy of 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I said you were going to hate me, I don't think this is what you expected... I'm the worst

Alec and Renly had never quite known what to make of each other. They would always converse at family gatherings, even visit other times, but there was a distance between them. Renly blamed himself for that.

To Renly, Alec’s resurrection was as wondrous as it was strange. As a mortal, to bury the Alec that was his elderly father had seemed the natural order of things. Renly had grieved and gone on with his life, secure in the knowledge that the pain of the loss could only follow him a finite number of years - to his grave, and not beyond. It was not to be his burden to carry forever; that cruelty was reserved for Theo and Magnus.

Renly could have joined them. He and his fathers had discussed the option only once, but once was enough, what with the immortality spell being a closely held secret, and how selfish Magnus felt to push - equally selfish Renly felt to decline, but he had. He’d already fallen in love by then, young, with another mortal. Now, over 60 years together and 3 children later, he didn’t regret his decision.

Of course, that did not mean he bore no guilt for it. Which was why, deep down, he was reluctant to become too close to the reborn Alec. Renly already knew that he would break Magnus’s heart when he died. Perhaps he best not break both fathers, leaving Theo to pick up the pieces.

Indeed, Renly never expected to be the surviving son. But death comes for all.

Even immortals.

~~~

“The funeral is on Tuesday,” Alec’s mother tells him.

Tuesday marks 2 weeks until Alec's eighteenth birthday.

“Should I even go?” Alec asks quietly, “I barely knew Theo. He was always travelling as long as I can remember.”

Theo had been a freelancer, always jumping at the chance to take on the most dangerous jobs. Part of it was the thrill, but he also loved being able to help those whom others had given up on. Last ditch rescue mission to a demon dimension? He was on it.

Spending more time in portals than in any one spot, Theo had decades ago stopped telling his family the gritty details of his latest projects, not wanting to worry them unnecessarily. He had been skilled with magic and not reckless, and always made it back mostly in one piece. Until now.

“I just don’t know… what people will expect of me...” Alec confesses.

“There's no handbook for this, no right or wrong answer. You do what is most comfortable for you,” his mother says softly.

“What about what makes Magnus comfortable?” he asks, dropping his gaze.

She reaches out to stroke Alec's face. “He's lost his son. He's not going to be comfortable for some time.”

~~~

Alec compromises by standing at the very back of the large funeral hall, his parabatai, Kara, next to him, holding one of his hands in both of her own. A foot shorter, her head rests against his shoulder. She occasionally rubs his arm or squeezes his hand to distract him from the discrete stares of the other mourners.

At first Alec worries he will be judged both if he doesn't cry like a father for his son, or if he cries too much for someone that he, in this life, hardly knew.

But as he listens to each person at the podium tell stories about Theo, about this amazing man he raised with Magnus, he feels sick.

Kara just manages to drag Alec away and into a washroom before he throws up.

~~~

After the funeral, Alec watches his three grandchildren flit around busily, receiving those who want to share tales of their uncle Theo, and occasionally checking on their father Renly, who is seated beside Magnus on an ornate bench, hand on his back.

Alec imagines Renly may have been soothed by the thought that Theo would be around to console Magnus when he, the mortal son, inevitably died. That comfort now stripped away, Renly looks bare, his full 80 years pronounced next to Magnus’s youth.

Alec's stomach gives a violent lurch as he realizes he will attend another funeral like this in the future.

For a while, Alec continues to observe Renly and Magnus from a tucked away corner. But he doesn’t go unnoticed himself - a few people offer him sad smiles, or shake his hand. No one knows what to say to him, so mercifully they don’t linger.

In the midst of accepting yet another awkward condolence from a stranger, Alec sees Magnus turn to Renly, say something, and begin to get up. But Magnus immediately falters, knees seemingly giving way.

Renly, reflexes no longer sharp as they once were, and perhaps laden with grief, doesn't even have time to react before Alec has flown to Magnus's side.

As Magnus steadies he turns to look at the man supporting him.

“Alexander,” he says, surprised, but also not at all. The name summons fresh anguish to flicker across his features. His lip trembles, his face breaks, and he begins to sob.

“I’m so sorry,” Alec sputters out in apology, horrified, “I didn’t know if I should come. I made it worse didn’t I? I’m so sorr--”

But Magnus is already collapsing into Alec, clinging desperately as heavy shuddering cries shake his whole body; his grip on the layers of Alec’s suit so tight and close that his fingers pinch Alec’s skin underneath.

And so Alec holds him, squeezing back so firmly that his arms tremble, lacing fingers through Magnus’s hair as he buries his face into Alec's neck, his tears dampening the collar of Alec’s shirt.

“Our son. Our son,” Magnus begins to chant softly against him.

“I know,” is all Alec can say, as his own tears begin to flow freely.

“ _He_ was supposed to be with me forever.”

It’s only a rasped choke of a whisper, Magnus’s breathless voice cracking, but the words sting.

They aren’t meant to.

“I know. I know. I'm so sorry,” Alec soothes helplessly, starting to rock them gently in place.

Alec doesn't know how long they stand embraced, or why they ever let go.

The rest of the day is a painful blur.


	8. Distractions & Beginnings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec at 19 and a half ish. Timeline-wise picking up right where chapter 1 left off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is so much great fic around right now revolving around the new content (yay!!) so thanks for not forgetting about this little guy :)

“We’ll do it,” Magnus announces when he and Alec re-enter the Joint Council room following their brief, private, chat in the hall.

“Excellent,” Chairwoman Rheys says, “We are very pleased to hear that.”

“You’ll set up those calls to the faction leaders,” Magnus directs - it's not a question.

“If you think that is wise... yes,” Boyd agrees reluctantly, tone clearly betraying that he’d hoped Magnus had forgotten about that detail.

“Very wise. We just want to drop a quick, casual, ‘Oh, by the way, someone should have mentioned that the negotiating-duo you signed up for only had their first real conversation six-and-a-half seconds ago. Carry on, see you in two weeks!’” Magnus says with flourish.

Boyd and a few other Council members look concerned. The rest seem to catch Magnus’s heavy sarcasm. Alec has to suppress a laugh.  

“No, of course, it will also be an opportunity for you to personally inform them that you’ve agreed to take on the role, and get a sense of the four leaders,” Rheys says.

“Indeed. We’ll be tactful,” Magnus assures them, “Won’t we, Alexander?”

Alec deploys his most most serious head-nod.

“Then we will wrap up here and make the arrangements. I remind you that it is rather early in the morning in Gymatrius, so I expect it will be several hours yet,” Rheys explains, “If the two of you have affairs to put in order before you become entirely occupied by this pursuit, please take the time now.”

~~~

Alec calls Kara to fill her in.

“Oh wow,” she says when he’s finished, “That’s a lot of pressure.”

“The negotiation, or all the time I’m going to be spending with my star-crossed lover from a past life?”

She snorts, “I was actually talking about the negotiation, but yeah, that too. You feel pretty calm though…?”

He falls silent for a long moment.

“Alec…?”

“It was so strange. To suddenly end up in a meeting together, to have to have normal conversations in front of the Council like the last time we had any contact wasn’t well over a year ago at-- at the funeral… And then we had a brief talk alone and... I was kind of an idiot.”

“Oh?”

“Magnus just seemed so… unfazed by it all. Talking politics, ignoring the elephant in the room. I was feeling ambushed, I guess, and there was so much I wanted to say but all I managed was to sound upset with him. Then I declared ‘I’m an adult’ like some kind of… petulant teenager,” he sighs, “After spending the last year trying to grow up.”

“Ah… I’m sure it wasn’t as bad as you think, Alec.”

“Maybe. It just wasn’t the best start.”

“At least it’s not like it was a first impression?” she offers helpfully.

“No... technically not… But I wish I had-- Oh shoot, I think I have to go,” Alec says when a sudden flurry of activity erupts down the hall as the Council meeting lets out, and Boyd calls his name.

“Okay, okay. Keep me posted. Oh and, Alec, remember: _communication_. He’s a warlock, not a mind reader.”

“Thanks, Kara.”

~~~

“Alec, did you need a portal back to Idris? To make any arrangements? Pick something up?” Boyd asks. “You will have a chance in the next day or two to head back to pack properly, but if there is anything you need in the short-term...”

“No, I brought my go-bag. And Kara will handle the rest.”

“As in Kara Herondale, your parabatai?” asks one of the other Council members, a Shadowhunter.

“Yes,” Alec answers, which seems to draw the few members who are Shadowhunters to crowd around him. Alec could remember their names if he tried - they were all introduced when he first arrived earlier in the morning, and he’s good with names.

“Kara is the granddaughter of your first parabatai?” one asks.

“Great-granddaughter,” Alec corrects.

“Of course.”

“It’s quite remarkable. Many of us thought you wouldn’t be able to have another,” a second comments.

“We didn’t know for sure until the ritual actually worked,” Alec explains.

“And what of your rune with Jace Herondale?”

“It’s a faint scar. Doesn’t seem to do anything,” Alec notes. The curious Shadowhunters’ eyes are so wide, Alec wouldn’t be surprised if they asked him to lift up his shirt next so they could see for themselves.

“Perhaps it only works because of the blood connection between Jace and Kara,” the first speculates.

“Could be. We don’t know,” Alec shrugs, hoping his lack of insight will make them lose interest.

It doesn’t work - it never does. They quiz him for another few minutes, changing topics to the Phoenix Rune, until Alec puts his foot down.

“As much as I would be happy to keep answering your… increasingly personal… questions… I think I should instead prep for these calls.”

“Ah yes…” says Rheys sheepishly, who has been listening along, “We have set you up in the smaller meeting chamber down the hall.”

~~~

Alec walks into the chamber and shuts the door behind him. He leans up against it, then lets his head fall back, eyes closing, mouth sighing. He thinks if he can brace the door closed with his body, he might be able to stave off the real world for a little while.

Alec jumps noticeably when Magnus speaks.

“Doing alright?”

“I-- uh-- didn’t realize-- you were in here. I thought you--” Alec gulps and takes a breath, trying to get a grip on himself, “I thought you would have some affairs to sort out before we dive into this thing. At least more than me.”

“Ah, no. I already had the benefit of an extra few hours heads-up, and I’ve been choosing somewhat more... spontaneous work recently anyways.”

Alec has no idea what that means, so he presses on.

“So... what are we saying on these calls?” Alec tries, “The truth, obviously, but maybe we can work on… phrasing?”

“We’re going to ignore... everything?” Magnus asks cautiously, abruptly changing the subject.

“Just taking your lead,” Alec says slowly, careful to keep any edge out of his voice this time.

“I deserve that,” Magnus smiles, but it’s rueful, and he looks away.

“No, no, that’s not what I meant--”

“I know that you’re upset with me, Alexander. And it’s okay.”

“I’m not, honestly. It’s just, like you said, complicated. I was caught off guard before, that we were finally talking but weren’t… saying anything.”

Magnus looks heartened, if unconvinced. “We’re going to have to work with each other for potentially the next several months, and I expect there is going to be a fine line in talking out what is necessary for us to function cohesively, versus complicating things even more and completely muddling our brains. I haven’t a clue where that line will be,” he adds regretfully.

“That makes two of us,” though Alec’s brain is feeling so muddled already that he’s barely aware that he says the next words out loud.  “I can hardly even believe we’re talking about this right now. It’s… surreal.”

“It is,” Magnus has to agree, for the feeling that he’s conversing with a ghost.

After a few long beats of silence, Alec clears his throat roughly, hoping to jar himself back to reality. “Can we just get through the next few hours, make these calls, then figure out the rest later?”

“I think we can,” Magnus says, though he's not at all sure how much longer he can wear the brave mask he has donned. “Now, I understand our scholars are already assembled down the road in the library, so we could confer with them first… but personally I’d rather go into these first-contact calls without anyone else’s ideas in my head.”

“Right. Let us get a pure gut feeling.”

“Exactly.”

~~~

They’ve been working for over an hour on some talking points, both accepting their role and relaying the information the Joint Council apparently left out about their non-existent relationship, and coming up with answers to anticipated questions. It’s going remarkably smoothly.

“I think you sold yourself short to the Council. You seem to be quite good at this diplomacy thing,” Magnus says fondly.

So fondly in fact that for a moment Alec feels a flutter of butterflies in his chest rise above the nervous coil in his stomach. He quickly takes a deep breath, filling his lungs with air, hoping to push the beating wings back down.

“I guess, yeah," Alec manages to say calmly, "The Clave has certainly been trying to train me. Advanced classes, tutors, sending me to sit in on all kinds of meetings, the type of jobs and missions I get assigned to, giving me lots of responsibilities. But high stakes negotiations… with all the moving pieces, all the players… I’ve never done anything like this before, let alone even observed. And it will be so easy to screw up. One wrong word and...”

“It’s okay. I’m quite rusty myself. Haven’t done this sort of thing in…” his hands move around like he can somehow pluck the number from the air, “...30 some odd years,” Magnus smiles reassuringly at first, but as the last words leave his mouth it turns to a frown as he realizes, “Sorry, that’s probably not comforting to you at all.”

“Not especially…” Alec says, doing his best not to sound alarmed.

“Well, if we stick to the script we aren’t going to screw it up today,” Magnus says, boasting a confidence he hopes will carry them through.

“Some of the Councillors seemed awfully worried that we were making these calls at all...”

“Oh, they just don’t like giving up control. Acknowledging that you and I are running the show from here on out is difficult for them.”

“So you don’t think any of the factions will back out because of this, uh, additional information?”

“No, I think it will be alright given that the leaders already know about your age and your lack of negotiating experience. But you were absolutely correct, it’s best to eliminate any surprises within our control, and the Joint Council should have made our situation clear from the get-go. And we’ll throw them under the bus if we have to.”

Alec cocks an eyebrow. “Maybe that’s why the Councillors were concerned.”

“Perhaps...” Magnus’s mouth turns up in a mischievous grin.

Alec gives him a curious look but smiles back.

~~~

The calls go about as well as can be expected. Of the four factions, two appear to be skeptical of the negotiation process, though on board, and the same half are more concerned by news of Magnus and Alec’s detriment of a prior working relationship. One leader clearly holds more respect for Magnus than Alec, while another seems to prefer Alec; the other two play their favourites, if any, closer to the vest.

Magnus and Alec debrief for a while after, and make some notes. It feels bizarrely ordinary, _almost_ enough to lull them into the false sense that they may be able to carry on like this for the rest of the negotiation process, without disturbing the festering subject of their relationship underlying every word, every glance. Almost. Both know that’s only a fantasy.

When they’re done, they pick up and head out towards the library, where the four scholars they will be studying with, Damion, Earre, Finny, and Gauthiette, have congregated.

“Do you know any of them?” Alec asks on the way over.

“None well. I know three in passing. They’re a diverse bunch, in age, species and personality. I’ve never met Finny,” Magnus answers.

“I think I met Gauthiette at a meeting in Idris a year or two ago.”

Alec wonders if he knew any of them before, in his past life. He’s afraid to ask.

Thankfully it’s a short walk.

~~~

“You should have consulted with us before you spoke to the faction leaders,” Damion says as soon as Magnus and Alec step into the room.

“Pleasure to see you again too, Damion,” Magnus says flippantly.

“Uh, we decided we wanted to go in without too many preconceptions,” Alec explains when Magnus doesn’t.

“Already running the show are we Mr. Lightwood? It is just Lightwood, correct?” Damion snarks.

“Yes,” Alec says, gritting his teeth against the unexpected and totally uncalled for unpleasantness. He’s careful to avoid Magnus’s gaze.

“Truly Damion? How was that necessary or constructive?” Earre scolds.

“It was not intended to be either,” Damion says gruffly.

“Well this is going to be a fun two weeks isn’t it?” Finny says cheerfully, turning to Alec, “Can I call you Alec?”

“Yes, please do,” Alec says.

They spend the afternoon, into the evening, being lectured at a high level, just to frame the issues. Magnus debates; Alec sticks to asking what he hopes are intelligent questions. The four scholars offer quite different perspectives on the conflict. They’re all geniuses, even Damion. No one offers a complete solution, but each has their own general approach. Alec supposes that’s the whole point, but isn’t sure which he thinks is best yet. They end the session by tracing back over some of the history of the region, Gauthiette’s specialty.

“We’re rather cutting into your evening schedule are we not?” Finny finally says at 8pm.

“That’s okay,” Alec and Magnus say in unison. Though both have quite reached their limit of being lectured to for the day, they feel comfortable in the easy rhythm into which they’ve fallen, of their focus being pulled by these four brilliant minds, rather than by each other, and knowing what being left alone means.

“It’s not. We need to stick to the schedule,” Gauthiette asserts, then adds with a wink, “And some of us are old and need sleep.”

“And what does the evening schedule entail? Couples counselling?” Damion says with a roll of his eyes.

“Honestly!” Earre snaps, “What is the matter with you? Does it bring you joy to be aggressively awful one-hundred-percent of the time?”

“No, but the situation is frankly absurd. I cannot comprehend how I am the only one concerned about this,” Damion argues back.

“And we’re done here!” Finny says, clapping his hands together, “I’m sure everything will be better tomorrow after some sleep.”

~~~

“Sleep does sound good,” Alec says once they are alone, “Though come to think of it, I don’t even know where I’m staying.”

“They let young Shadowhunters sleep these days?” Magnus asks.

“Yes?”

“Well that _is_ progress,” Magnus muses.

“Huh?”

“Nevermind… And they did tell us where we’re staying when the keys were delivered earlier.”

“Oh. Right…” Alec feels dumb to have forgotten that, but honestly he hadn’t had the room for any extra information in his brain today.

Magnus tosses him one of the keycards, fortunately with the address attached on a removable fob, while he studies the other.

“I believe these are townhouses nearby where visiting researchers and their families typically stay. Oh, I think I mixed them up - that was the one they assigned to me, but it doesn’t matter.” He adds a mumbled afterthought, “Unless they’ve already stocked the liquor cabinet…”

“You sound familiar with the area?”

“I’ve never stayed in the city, if you can even call it that, though I’ve had dealings with the Joint Council from time to time, as did your past self,” Magnus explains, before suddenly becoming very interested in concentrating on flipping the keycard around in his hand.

“Oh… erm… why don’t you just portal back home every night?” Alec asks, hoping the question can take them on some other tangent.

“For one, as you may have noticed when you arrived, the way the wards are set you can only portal from the outskirts of the city, so it’s a bit of a hassle. And two, we always found-- I mean I found... with projects like this, it's best to immerse myself when possible. One’s home is very distracting.”

“Things seem to be plenty distracting right here…” Alec sighs.

Magnus hums his understanding, “We are rather adept at skirting the subject.”

“Can we walk and talk? We’re going to be spending a lot of time cooped up in this library in these chairs and I’m going to go crazy without some exercise.”

“Sure.”

They walk for a few minutes discussing which direction they should head in, and only when they’ve exhausted that debate after navigating the last fork in the road do they finally give in to the weighty topic hanging between them.

“I’ve wanted to talk to you for so long. And now I don’t know where to start,” Alec admits.

“Let’s begin in the present and work backwards, shall we? Lead with the freshest emotions instead of digging up old ones right away?” Magnus suggests gently, though it sounds practiced, because it is. Conscious of that, he begins to improvise, “How about this past year and some since...” but quickly trails off.

They both know all the ways that sentence ends. _Since_ _Theo’s funeral, when we last saw each other. Since an eighteenth birthday, then a nineteenth, came and went._

“You mean the part where I waited over a year to contact you, and then a few months ago when I finally did, you never responded?” Alec asks.

“Yep... that would be the part…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to make the chapters a tiny bit longer so the burn is not quite as slow!


	9. Braver Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec and Magnus do the walk and talk. Multitasking is difficult.

“Well... I… there are a lot of reasons why I waited so long to reach out,” Alec says.

“Okay,” Magnus gulps, crossing his arms over himself, bracing for many things which will be hard to hear.

Alec lets out a long shaky breath. “I was scared, and I needed to do some growing up,” he says with gravitas.

Magnus waits some steps for Alec to go on, but he doesn’t.

“Concise…” Magnus finally says, quizzical look on his face.

“Oh um, I just thought we would go with broad strokes first?”

“Oh. Alright…”

“So… why didn’t you respond to my fire message asking to talk?”

Magnus nods absently as he gathers his words, which echo Alec's. “I was scared, and needed to work up the courage.”

“So we’re both--”

“We’re a couple of chickens.”

It’s barely funny, but they laugh, and it’s not forced - it’s easy, it’s comfortable, and the tension between them seems to cower away from the noise. They both feel a little braver together.

“I thought you might need some time… some space… after the last time we saw each other. I thought it would have reminded you that I’m going to die one day too. Again,” Alec says, apologetically.

“You’re not wrong,” Magnus says sadly.

“But I needed space too. That…” Alec waves his hand through the air, “That whole thing shook me up.” He adds quickly, “And I’m not trying to compare my grief to yours. I know I don’t have any right. But it made me realize...”

“Alexander...”

“I realized how much I can hurt you. How much I must have hurt you before. I had to wonder if you’d even want to go through it all again. But also that, _if_ you did, I was nowhere near ready for that responsibility... Then my birthday came and there wasn't a switch that flipped and suddenly made me ready - I mean, I didn't expect that, that’s silly - but the fact that _nothing_ changed… after my life had seemingly been building to that moment... it was a reality check that I couldn’t just count on the passage of time - that I actually needed to commit to growing up a little, to living my own life and figuring out who I am. To put some effort into it.”

Alec turns to Magnus then. Magnus’s mouth is open slightly, like he’d been waiting for Alec to finish so he could say something, but now the moment is here and he can’t find the words. Any words.

The lack of feedback makes Alec feel a little uncertain, but maybe this is better, for him to get it all out before Magnus says something that causes him to lose his nerve, so he keeps on. Kara would be proud.

“I found things to do… people to-- whatever I thought would make me mature. I took on as many responsibilities as I could, I accepted invitations to every meeting and dinner party my minor celebrity status got me an invite to, I signed up for the most challenging, lonely assignments. Just… everything. Dumb things even. I went to a mundane art gallery one day. Like that would do anything.”

“It’s not dumb. Growing up… it’s a tough process to rush.”

“So I discovered,” Alec agrees, “But I had to try. I wanted so badly to talk to you and yet… if I wasn’t ready, if wasn’t more settled, more certain of who I am? Then you staying away all those years would be for nothing.”

“What do you mean?” Magnus asks, succeeding in keeping the first hint of panic out of his voice.

“Well, you hadn’t wanted to influence me. But what would be the point if when we did meet I was so unsure of my own identity that I couldn’t tell the difference - if there was a difference - between how I was _actually feeling_ , and what I thought I _should be_ feeling… you know… maybe… maybe how a man feels for his husband…”

 _Oh god_. Magnus can’t breathe, can’t speak. The hard lump forming in his throat aches to swallow against, raw emotion flooding his system, coupled with the fear that Alec can only be searching for an identity if he doesn’t feel connected to the old Alec. His Alec. His husband.

Alec is oblivious that Magnus is misunderstanding him, for he’s not brave enough to stop to look at Magnus now. Not this time.

“And yet… with all the growing up… I was still-- I am still… scared. Scared of...” Alec gives his head a shake, “Scared of how much you could hurt me. Because all my life, you could _always_ hurt me, when I hardly knew you, when you weren’t even _there_. I didn’t even want to think about how much you could hurt me if I actually got to know you and we-- and then…”

“I’m so sorry,” Magnus says brokenly, turning to face Alec, “I never meant to hurt you. It’s the last thing I ever wanted. I did what I thought was best. I wanted-- I mean, it sounds like you know why I--”

“I do. And more than that, I understand,” Alec interrupts, anxious to finally speak the forgiveness he had some time ago granted, “I’m not upset that you stayed away. Not anymore.”

“How?” Magnus asks, incredulous, “It must have been so confusing growing up. You must have blamed me?” _Hated me?_

Alec sighs. “Were there times when I would have given anything to talk to you? When I was angry? When I felt so guilty and confused that it kept my parabatai up at night? Yeah, there were. But I don’t say any of that to make you feel bad, because you shouldn’t. None of it was your fault, it was all in my own head. And anyways I get it, why that decision was made.”

To Magnus it’s both the most crushing and relieving statement all at once.

“I was sure… I was so sure you hadn’t reached out because you wanted to punish me by staying away - the same thing I had done to you,” Magnus confesses.

“By the angel, I didn’t even-- no, no, it wasn’t like that,” Alec says, mouth going dry, “I’m sorry I left you to feel that way. It wasn’t fair of me to not send you something,  something just to say I wasn’t quite ready yet. But I told myself that you knew I wanted to see you, even hoped that you might do the hard thing for me and contact me first.” Alec hangs his head, “Sometimes I had the gall to be upset that you didn't, when I was no better, when I was worse because it was my move and I knew it. And more than that, I knew that by staying silent I might be playing at missed connections.”

“It's okay,” Magnus soothes. There's more he could say - wants to say - to reassure Alec, but he doesn't seem to need it, not yet.

“I swear there were so many fire messages I almost sent to you… I just wasn’t ready until I was. Until one day it was easy to send it. One day when my hands weren’t shaking as I wrote.”

“And then, I didn’t respond,” Magnus says regretfully, face full of shame.

Alec bites his lip, “Yeah… that hurt…” he admits.

“I was going to respond. I was,” Magnus promises quickly, “I didn’t realize how much time had passed since you sent it - two months are the blink of an eye when you’re my age... But, you don’t deserve my excuses. What you must have been thinking…”

“That I may have just constructed this man in my head who didn't even want me? I-- I mean, want to talk to me…? It was a bit of a head trip... But Magnus, I’d done the same to you for over a year. I can hardly complain.”

“Yes, you can. I didn’t need to do any growing up. I just needed to get over my fears. And I didn’t. _Haven’t_ …”

“Magnus...” Alec says, his voice understanding and soft - absolving though Magnus doesn’t feel he deserves it.

Magnus almost crumbles at that. How many times has he been here before - the old Alec saying his name like that? Maybe it will be enough, even if this Alec is someone new.

“I never fully grieved for him,” Magnus blurts out, racing over the words, “I did, but not wholly.”

“For who? For… Theo?”

“For my husband.” _For you?_

To Alec, it’s a gut punch, knocking the wind out of him. He he’d almost fully accepted that he _is_ the old Alec, one in the same; he’d hoped Magnus was the missing piece to get him all the way there. And here is Magnus talking about the old Alec like he is another person entirely.

“Oh,” is all Alec can get out without his voice shattering, while twitching his nose to try to stop his lip trembling. He’s thankful Magnus is looking away, apparently fixated on some distant point ahead.

“After he died, I was in denial for a long time, holding out hope. Eventually I did... snap... and it was awful. But then I slowly started to work through it. Very slowly. I got to the point where I thought one day I might get through it to the other side - one day I might be okay. But I never had to find out, because then you were born, and I could stall.”

 _He_ died. _You_ were born. Every word hurts. Alec can only put one foot in front of the other as he listens.

“And then there were two possibilities, which I finally had to face once I received your fire message,” Magnus continues, tone weakening, “Either you turned out not to be him, and I’d have to finish grieving. And after Theo…,” his voice cracks, “I honestly didn’t know if I could. Not so soon. And the other option was that you turned out to be him, in which case I was bound to fall in love with you, and if that wasn’t requited this time… if we weren’t compatible now… I can’t even begin…” he breathes out heavily.

“And if we were… compatible?” Alec asks calmly, having pulled himself somewhat together on the outside.

“That’s where my true cowardice lies,” Magnus says with a sad, faint chuckle, “Because as wonderful as that would be, I know I’d have to re-open a lot of wounds - bare my heart - for you to know me like he did. And it would be worth it. All the pain in the world would be worth it. But it is daunting.”

Magnus turns to Alec now, to try to gauge how his words are being received, but Alec’s face is in shadows of the dense trees under which they’re passing. Yet Magnus can tell Alec is tense from his gait, hands in his pockets, shoulders high.

“I know I had 18, now over 19 years to get ready for anything. And I may have been ready the second you turned 18… if not for what happened to Theo...”

Alec is confused as to why Magnus is entertaining so many possibilities, already forgetting just how many he had mulled over on his own throughout the years, before he became more settled with himself.

And so he says, a little sharply, “But we’ve always known I had the same soul. My mom said you did a spell, before you named me, before she met me the first time.”

“I did. A soul mismatched from the body leaves a trace of struggle from being stuffed into the wrong vessel. I developed a spell to test for it, after an unfortunate soul swapping incident…” Magnus trails off, “But the soul is not the whole person. We didn’t know what hitting factory-reset on a soul would do – at the time we weren’t even sure if that’s what happened. And sometimes nurture wins out over nature anyways. So we really didn’t know who you’d be, only that you deserved the chance to find out.”

Alec wants to ask what Magnus thinks now. But he’s not steady enough to go at it directly. “People… some people say I’m a lot like the old Alec.”

“They do, but there's no one left alive who knew you-- him-- like I did,” Magnus says mournfully.

There. There is the slip Alec needs to take the leap, not just for himself, but because he can’t stand to see Magnus look so sad.

“Magnus… there’s no _him_ and _me_. I am him. At least, I think so,” he says, voice a little high and desperate, followed by a quieter, softer plea as their eyes meet, “Don’t you recognize me?”

The pull of those words on Magnus is so strong he thinks his heart skips several beats. And he feels instantly sick, thinking of the spell he developed after his soul was swapped with Valentine’s - after Alec _hadn’t recognized him_. The newborn Alec had passed the test all those years ago, and yet some part of Magnus hadn’t believed, had been afraid to hope. And the way Alec had spoken of finding his identity seemed to confirm all of Magnus’s fears. Until this moment.

And Alec, Alec is spiraling, _upwards_. Those words had come from somewhere so deep inside that it frightens him - his runes are almost tingling, as if the marks on the surface of his skin have new roots through to his soul - and something just clicks: Magnus's answer isn't important, it's that Alec dared ask the question.

Alec abruptly stops walking and sits down at the foot of the nearest tree on the side of the path. Magnus silently follows to kneel beside him – sitting down seeming like perhaps the best idea they’ve had all day.

Magnus reaches his hand out, but he is still debating whether he should touch when Alec begins to speak, voice surprising Magnus with its strength.

“I thought you were the only one who could erase that last bit of doubt that I'm an imposter. And if you couldn’t, then, maybe I'd never know for sure.”

Magnus shakes his head. He's confused as all hell, but the correct response springs to his lips.  “No one can define who you are. Not even me. And you wouldn't want them to. You have to find it for yourself.”

“You're right. And I did. Just now,” Alec says, sounding sure of himself though looking dazed.

Magnus hadn’t told Alec who he is, but Magnus had been the one to provide a connection, a yearning strong enough to draw it out of Alec, to pull from the depths that last piece of self-affirmation.

“Are you okay?” Magnus asks, having no idea what is happening on Alec’s side of the equation, and barely coming to a grasp on his own.

“Yeah actually,” Alec says truthfully. He’s become pretty used to being walloped by revelations by this point in his strange life, though this one feels rather more physical than any before. “But you… you look like I broke your brain… maybe other parts too...”

“I'm just-- So you--? I thought-- I'm sorry. The way you were talking I thought--"

“Of course you did. How could you know before I got all the way there myself?”

“Alexander…” _My_ Alexander. Magnus’s head is spinning so fast it’s making him dizzy.

“Did you only used to call me Alexander?”

The simplicity of the question snaps Magnus’s focus back.

“No, I switched. I’ll probably fall back into that routine... but today it has just felt strangely comforting to call you Alexander… I-- I can stop if you want.”

“Don’t. It sounds good when you say it,” Alec means to state it factually, he really does, but it comes out a little flirty, surprising them both into looking away quickly.

“Uh… I always wondered if we should have called you something else. Something all your own,” Magnus says, just to fill the air, “But I guess… I guess I won’t wonder that anymore,” he smiles as he turns back to Alec, but is met with a suddenly nervous face.

“What now?” Alec asks timidly, plainly wanting for guidance.

“We get off the ground. If you’re up for it,” Magnus says, in lieu of a serious answer which he has not yet formulated.

“Are you?”

“I might be in some kind of shock,” Magnus says with a nervous laugh, still certainly not processing. But he needs to try, with Alec looking at him so expectantly.

They do manage to get up and dust off. A battlefield of emotions behind them for now, without words they both head in the direction that is only a few minutes bee-line to their accommodations.

“So… in summary… if I may,” Magnus begins a little cautiously, “you’re you, and I’m me, and we’d both consider giving _us_ a go?”

Alec nods in agreement before adding, “But we’re big ol’ chickens, afraid of getting hurt.”

“Absolutely,” Magnus says with a wide smile, “And we’re about to head into some very stressful and busy weeks, if not months…”

“Mmhm. No complicated emotions here…” Alec says sarcastically, but grinning.

"Not a one in sight,” Magnus’s smile stretches even further so it crinkles his eyes. “Then... do we simply take this negotiation as an opportunity to get to know each other, while avoiding brain muddling topics?" Magnus more asks than suggests.

 _Simply_. Right.

“Right. We need to keep our focus, not get distracted by this… _us_ ,” Alec says, doing his best to sound more like a soldier, figuring that discipline has the best chance of carrying him through, “And by the time it’s done, we’ll both have a good idea of whether we… uh, want to give this ‘us thing’ a try.”

"Right."

“Okay. Right. We have a plan,” Alec exclaims, an overly optimistic smile settling uneasily on his face.

“We do,” Magnus says cheerfully, trying his own false enthusiasm on for size.

They take a few more steps in silence.

“It's a dumb plan isn't it?” Alec says.

“Yes,” Magnus confirms.

“Do you have a better one?”

“Oh, portal us off to some far away villa where we can work through things at our own pace, on our own terms, where we have no one to account to but each other, and figure out if these… versions of ourselves are compatible, if we could be... happy together… But…”

“But we're Magnus and Alec and we save the world?” Alec ventures.

“Well, best to avoid delusions of grandeur, but yes. More times than the history books give us credit for, I might add,” Magnus winks.

They’ve reached their town houses by now. Previously, they'd only noted them in passing when they’d left the library and first set out on their walk. The two houses are side by side, exact mirror images of one another, with the windows on the neighbouring walls lining up perfectly.

Alec groans as they reach the short, picket-fenced gates at the front of the houses, “I left my bag at the library.” It’s not that far but he's exhausted.

“Is it under the table on the left side there when you come in?”

“Yeah.”

“So is mine,” Magnus says, and with a snap of his fingers the bags appear at their feet.

“Thanks.”

“I guess this is goodnight, Alexander,” Magnus says hurriedly, though gently, then. They might be the most difficult words he’s said all day, but if he doesn’t say them now they risk standing there staring at each other until dawn - and that's the best case scenario.

Obviously feeling the same for how quickly he turns to fumble with the gate latch, Alec blasts out, “Goodnight, Magnus,” as they part.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew! They still have some tough stuff to work through but… taking bets below on how long our boys manage to stick to their dumb plan ;)


	10. Smiles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you’ve forgotten where we left off (can’t blame you honestly as it’s been 84 years since the last update), Alec and Magnus had a long chat, and decided to try to keep things professional, avoid the personal, while they’re preparing for the negotiation with the help of 4 scholars, and through the negotiation process. We shall see how long that lasts...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's back!!! I'm SO sorry for how long this took to update! I got soul-crushingly busy with work and then the show did its own immortality stuff which threw me a bit, then the finale had me in a coda writing frenzy, and then the cancellation just sucked the inspiration out of me. (#SaveShadowhunters)

Restless sleep follows their late night talk, both of them wired, excited, and nervous, tossing and turning in unfamiliar beds, and on top of it all, the responsibility of the negotiations hanging over their heads.

So as Alec settles into a seat in the library classroom, he’s already activated his stamina rune.

Magnus arrives a few minutes later with Damion, Earre, Finny, and Gauthiette in tow. Magnus can't help but beam when he sees Alec, early for class and sitting in the front row - that’s the Alec he knows.

“Is this seat taken?” Magnus jokes as he pulls out the empty chair at the same table as Alec.

“All yours,” Alec answers with a familiar lopsided grin that makes Magnus’s stomach do a little flip.

They find themselves smiling stupidly at each other for several seconds, basking in the realization that last night was not a dream, before being jolted out of it by the sound of Earre dropping a heavy old book down on the desk at the front of the room. They both jump good fraction and everyone stares at them, expressions ranging from delighted to scowling.

Magnus sinks down into his chair sheepishly and brings his coffee mug up to his lips.

~~~

Miraculously, the day goes quickly, their instructors stuffing more information into their heads than one would think possible.

As Damion, Earre, Finny, and Gauthiette dig into the details, Magnus and Alec stay relatively quiet, their focus admirably decent given the circumstances. The tension between them a day earlier has vanished and been replaced with nervous curiosity, but they’re professionals - to put their personal situations out of mind for the greater good is proving perfectly doable.

So far.

Several members of the Joint Council request to have dinner with them. Magnus and Alec end up seated across from each other at the large round table, too far to speak without raising their voices considerably. Concentration waning after the long day, each continually catches the other staring over the table centrepiece, and the umpteenth time this happens they both crack a little smile and shake their heads gently, in silent acknowledgment of how doomed they are.

Following dinner, Chairman Boyd offers to arrange a portal for Alec to return to Idris to collect some belongings.

“That would be great,” Alec says. He could care less, but concedes that he probably shouldn’t wear the same blazer to every day of the negotiations.

“I can take you,” Magnus interrupts, “I was thinking of doing the same tonight - one last portal home until I hunker down to business.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’d be happy to.”

~~~

“Do you want me to wait here?” Magnus asks as they step off the platform of the designated portaling spot in Alicante, “I imagine there will be gossip if we go strolling through the city together...”

“I’m used to it,” Alec shrugs.

Magnus doesn’t like that answer.

“I won’t be around here to hear it anyways, right?” Alec tries instead, noting Magnus’s look of concern.

“No, I suppose not,” Magnus agrees.

They walk quickly, with purpose, receiving only surprised greetings from people as they pass by, leaving them to whisper behind. Magnus hardly notices, instead taking in the city. Though it was decades ago that the law banning Warlocks from Idris was struck down, it still lacks the familiarly of much of the rest of the world which he has known and travelled freely for hundreds of years.

~~~

“Alec! What are you doing here?” Kara greets him excitedly in the hall just outside his bedroom door.

“Needed to pack properly before we lock ourselves in--” Alec begins.

“You brought Magnus!? Hi!” Kara interrupts, peering around Alec to Magnus.

“Hello Kara,” Magnus says warmly, extending his hand, “Pleased to officially meet you as an adult.”

“You don’t want to, um…” Alec points awkwardly between Magnus and his bedroom door.

“I’m sure Kara can entertain me while you pack,” Magnus saves him.

Kara beams and turns to Magnus. “So, for how long are you going to be keeping Alec busy and out of my hair?” she teases.

“Could be a few months. But hopefully only a few weeks,” Magnus answers.

It’s the last clear thing Alec hears of their conversation as his bedroom door swings shut behind him. He tries to ignore the pieces he occasionally catches after that, trusting Kara is not going to embarrass him, but it’s difficult with the way their loud, easy laughter keeps penetrating the door. He’s a little jealous. Not because Kara has his sort-of-husband’s full attention, or that they’re giggling together, but because she can have a normal conversation with Magnus without all the baggage, all the complications, underlying every exchange.

Magnus and Kara chat casually for quite a while - Alec seems to be taking his sweet time - and Kara feels increasingly drawn to Magnus. She figures it’s her parabatai rune talking, what with Alec so close by, but she thinks surely anyone would notice how gorgeous and charming and clever Magnus is. Her poor parabatai must be losing his mind.

“You know, I better go check on Alec,” Kara says, “He always forgets to pack... um... shampoo.”

“That’s funny…” Magnus says curiously, “I always used to pack enough for both of us. We used the same kind I brewed myself. Sandalwood.”

“Funny how that works,” she says before leaving Magnus alone in the hall.

“Alec… have you considered _not_ packing shampoo?” she asks as she absently smooths out a shirt at the top of his duffle bag.

“Huh?” Alec cocks his head.

“Nevermind. But if anyone asks, you like sandalwood.”

“What are you on about?” he asks, but it’s rhetorical, shaking his head as he searches through a drawer.

“So you're studying with Magnus and a bunch of scholars all day, and then at night, you and Magnus work alone..."

"Well it hasn't even been two full days yet but that's the plan going forward," Alec confirms.

"How do you concentrate?" she asks.

"I don't know. It's a lot of information but I'm just doing my best to absorb it," he answers innocently.

"I meant how do you concentrate with Magnus being right there? He's so..."

"Magical?” Alec raises an eyebrow, “Ya, believe me, I’ve noticed. But we’re keeping things strictly professional - you know, warm but professional - until the negotiation is over.”

“ _Warm_?”

“Okay, it’s a dumb plan,” he concedes immediately, “If we thought it would be smooth sailing, that we could just pick up where we left off, we'd maybe jump right into it. But it's more complicated than that. I'm almost starting from square one... and a half? And Magnus is starting from... some other square,” he waves a hand in the air, “Relationships take effort at the best of times, right? So this one is going to take some extra special effort, which we don’t have time for - we can’t risk - not in the middle of these negotiations. They’re too important.”

“Since when did you become a relationship expert?” she says, smirking.

He rolls his eyes and zips up his bag, “Can you be serious for five minutes?”

She frowns. “If I was being serious then I’d be grilling you about all the interesting feelings I’m picking up. Something is different… good different…” she says as she pokes him in his parabatai rune, “But I know you don’t always want to or need to talk.”

“Ah, ya… You’re right. I had a bit of a revelation… but I’m kind of all talked out for now. And Magnus and I had a late night,” he explains, “Talking. With words, only.”

“I got your meaning. Talking is good,” she flashes a proud smile at him, and reaches to rub his arm encouragingly. “Now, seriously, do you need help packing?”

~~~

“Kara is lovely,” Magnus comments as they walk back to the designated portaling spot, “Sharp too.”

“She liked you too.”

“But she’d murder me in my sleep if I hurt you, wouldn’t she?”

“Yeah,” Alec snorts, “Wait, she didn’t actually say--”

“No, no, nothing of the sort. I can just tell… she cares for you very much.”

“I don't know how you can tell with how we tease each other, but she's my best friend and I'd be lost without her. She knows me better than I know myself. I think she's known all along that me from my last life and me now are one in the same.”

“Mmm. I'm intimately familiar with the intimacy of parabatai,” Magnus says knowingly.  

“My old parabatai, Jace… Kara is so curious about him - a little jealous even.”

Magnus laughs, “I got that impression. She asked me about him.”

“Did you get along with Jace?”

“I did. And I miss him,” Magnus says wistfully, “I don’t recall that we were fast friends… but we came to be close. There’s a certain comradery to be found in loving the same person so fiercely, a bond of its own really, if the parties are open to it. You and Clary formed your own little club too.”

“That sounds nice,” Alec says, feeling oddly warm and settled at the thought of his past family.

“It was,” Magnus affirms, but his accompanying smile fades quickly.

"I can come with you to your place so you don't have to make an extra trip," Alec offers, changing the subject.

"It's a portal - it’s hardly a trip."

“Whatever you’re comfortable with."

“To my loft it is,” Magnus says as he forms a portal.

“Did I ever live here?” Alec asks as they step through to the other side.

“No, I acquired this place only a few years ago.”

Magnus snaps his fingers and first a suitcase appears in the middle of the living room. Then he snaps his fingers again and again, and each time another item lands inside.

Alec quickly loses interest in the suitcase and becomes occupied by the family photos on a bookshelf. Most are displayed by the typical projection devices Alec is used to, with many digital images rotating through. But some are printed photographs mounted in frames, the way Alec is only used to seeing with old pieces of artwork hung on walls.

“Sorry, that must be weird for you, to see old photos of yourself?” Magnus asks, noticing that he has lost Alec’s attention.

Alec huffs a laugh, “A little, but I was a historical figure from birth. Weird and I are well acquainted.”

Alec picks up a frame with a printed photo in which he is an elderly man. He’s seen pictures of himself at roughly that age before, but now that Magnus is a reality, new questions are springing to mind.

“Was it difficult for us, when I was old?” Alec blurts out, completely steamrolling over the tiny voice in his head telling him _they have a plan_ and he’s headed well off book. “You know, slowing down, and forgetful, and… wrinkly…”

Magnus opens and closes his mouth several times like a fish out of water.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t-- I mean, this is-- it’s private,” Alec apologizes, a hot blush rising to his cheeks.

“Ah… It’s a funny thing,” Magnus says, recovering somewhat, “I have my secrets, which are freely mine to share again with you, but then I have _our_ secrets, and I even hold some that are really just yours… They don’t feel like mine to share, but of course, they’re yours, so I should tell you… I think...” Magnus feels torn and confused, like he could talk himself in knots, but he’s resolved that Alec deserves to know as much as he does about their past when making decisions about their future.

“It’s okay, really, you don’t have to. Not today,” Alec attempts to excuse him.

 _Take the out_ , Magnus’s better senses scream as he walks over and picks up a neighbouring photo, but he finds it impossible to ignore the comfort he thinks he can provide to Alec now.

“I didn’t mind slowing down - we’d had a busy life. And you weren’t too forgetful, we were lucky, you stayed pretty sharp,” he traces his fingers lovingly over the figure of the older Alec in the photo, “As for wrinkly… it was so gradual for me… it’s hard to explain. But I thought you were quite distinguished and handsome.”

Alec smiles, but doubt nags at him, “And what did I think?”

Magnus winces for his own lack of foresight as this other shoes drops.

“You were self conscious sometimes… Not because you were vain, but you were concerned with how I felt, and there was only so much I could do to reassure you…” he trails off completely.

“We’re getting way ahead of ourselves anyways,” Alec tries cheerfully, taking the photo from Magnus and setting it down, “It’s just that I would have known from the start that I risked becoming a burden to you… I can't understand how I could be so selfish, not wanting to become immortal.”

“Is that what your journal says?” Magnus asks, taken aback.

“It’s pretty vague on immortality actually… but I got the just of it,” Alec explains.

“Not quite,” Magnus smiles sadly, “Early on it was a point of contention - god we were so new. I’d had relationships with mortals before, and I viewed your mortality and my immortality as something you would just have to accept, as I had. Then I lost my immortality briefly. We travelled to hell and back - literally. Over the next few years we just never quite aligned on the issue. We went through so much - for a time, a catastrophe was just another regular Tuesday. And as we would come to understand each other's positions on immortality, our own views shifted in that very process,” Magnus pauses, uncertain of how far he can safety take them down this road, “And… there wasn’t necessarily a good way to make it happen.”

“I guess it was complicated…” Alec concludes, head spinning from the information Magnus has just doled out, generating more questions than answers.

“To say the least,” Magnus quips.

“But it just seems so simple now… to want forever with the man I love.”

Instantly, flashes of a memory rocket through Magnus’s mind. Clinging nakedly together after almost losing each other yet again, Alec rocking into him while sobbing against his ear that it wasn’t enough, that he wanted forever - but that was only desperation, adrenaline, sorrow, _fear, exhaustion, passion_ \- everything but the mission Magnus took it for.  

Magnus swallows hard, gathering himself, “Of course it seems simple _now_ \- you’re already immortal, albeit in an odd way.”

“For a while I guess, ya,” Alec shrugs apologetically in a way that makes Magnus’s blood run cold.

“For a while?” Magnus asks cautiously, heavy with trepidation he can’t even understand.

“Huh? Just the feathers, you know.”

“What?”

Seeing no spark of recognition on Magnus’s face, Alec realizes Magnus doesn’t know.

“Oh god. I thought--- I thought you knew?”

“I don’t… I don’t know… what?” Magnus sputters.

“There were 7 head feathers in my rune in my last life, and now there are only 6…” Alec explains slowly.

“Oh. Oh. And that means…?”

“We don’t know? Seven lives and then… I don’t know. I have guesses but…”

“Can… can I see?” Magnus stutters out, because he needs to see, or he won’t believe it.

In silent answer, Alec undoes a few buttons of his shirt at the top and holds the flaps open. Magnus steps closer tentatively, but can’t see the details through the coarse dark hair on Alec’s chest.

Alec doesn’t twitch, doesn’t breathe, as Magnus moves a hand towards him, eventually placing fingers to the rune, brushing aside hair, peering at the head of the phoenix. And indeed, there are only 6 tiny feathers on its head where there were 7 before. Magnus takes his hand away quickly and steps back, turning on his heel as he does. The heat of Magnus's fingertips, the warmth of his breath, lingers on Alec's chest.

“I last saw it when you were a baby. It was too small then to notice this… this change…” Magnus takes a deep breath, beginning to pace, “After you were reborn on your birthday in year which would have been the 7 year anniversary of your death, I ascribed that to be the meaning of the 7 feathers.”

“Maybe that’s still true? This time, it will only be 6 years between my death and next life. And so on, until… there’s only 1 feather, then I die and I’m ash for just 1 year, and then born with…? Or… not…?”

Alec looks to Magnus for a theory, but Magnus just looks wrecked.

“I’m sorry, I thought you knew,” Alec says sadly, “I thought my mom would have-- I wouldn’t have brought it up right now… There’s already enough.”

“It’s my fault you’re like this,” Magnus says sharply, scolding himself.

“No it’s not,” Alec shakes his head softly.

“Yes, it is,” Magnus insists, knowing Alec doesn’t have the whole story.

“Why would you say that? You didn’t mark me with this rune,” Alec retorts.

“Because I’d found a perfect way to make you immortal, that would let you stay a Shadowhunter. That was so important to you - you were convinced you wouldn’t be _you_ anymore if you weren’t,” Magnus’s voice is frantic and loud, “The comfort of maintaining your identity - it would have let you overcome your fears about such a long, unknown future. But I didn’t tell you about it right away, I was afraid of another fight - and then you got the rune and the spell didn’t work on you.”

Alec is surprised, but quick to deny Magnus any guilt, as he always had. “You can’t take the blame for that. I hope… I hope I never let you take it.”

And there they are, right back in the same cycle they’d fallen into last lifetime. The guilt, the uncertainty over the rune - it's crushing to have that all coming back again, dragging Magnus kicking and screaming down memory lane to those early years after Alec had received the rune.

Magnus had thought they at least now had certainty on their side, even if it meant doing this dance of death and rebirth for eternity. He chides himself for how naive and wishful that had been, for even true immortality grants no certainty - a fact he knows all too well for the immortal friends, lovers, and son, he’s lost over the years. How foolish he had been.

And there was a conclusion Magnus didn’t reach until after Alec died, in his darkest moments of guilt and grief.

“I think you received the rune to punish me for coming up with a way to bend the laws of nature. To prevent me from using it and opening up that door for others. We had the sense to keep it quiet, but I hadn’t even thought about-- I was too blinded by love. If Renly had taken us up on the offer to use it on him I can’t even imagine what consequences the universe would have rained down on our family.”

“Magnus… if that’s true… and I don’t know that it is, then I was never meant to become immortal and it wouldn’t have mattered if you came up with a way or not,” Alec reasons.

“But if I hadn’t toyed with the laws of nature, then I wouldn’t need to be stopped with the Phoenix Rune. You wouldn’t be marked with it.”

“You don’t know that. I may have gotten it regardless. I may have ended up on that battlefield with the rogue angel no matter what you did or didn’t do.”

“Maybe…”

“And if you decided _not_ to seek to break the laws of nature to make me immortal, and so the Phoenix Rune wasn’t used to stop you? Well then I would have died. Permanently. After one lifetime. Would that have been better?” Alec asks gently, though it’s not meant as a question, because from Alec’s perspective it’s not.

Yet Magnus’s absolute silence in response rings like an answer to all of Alec’s fears and insecurities.

“Oh… that’s actually debateable for you… Okay. That’s okay,” Alec mummers, more to soothe himself than anything, “That’s okay. I can understand,” he says a little louder as he pulls himself taught into a sturdy parade rest.

Magnus is scrambling to catch up. He’d never told anyone all of that and Alec has taken his fatally guilt-twisted logic out at the knees in one blow.

“No, no,” Magnus begins, stepping forward and grabbing Alec’s blazer to bring him closer, terrified to lose him already, “Please don’t think I’m not happy for this chance to be with you again. Please I-- Alexander… Alex--”

Magnus halts himself as they hit the crescendo of the build up between them they had scarcely noticed - and suddenly it almost swallows them whole - the need to talk for hours - days - on end, until they can’t, physically can’t, stay awake and fall asleep wrapped together in exhaustion until they start over again, and again until they’ve talked it all out, cried it all out, maybe fucked it all out - and where that leaves them in the end, how could they know? Because they don’t know each other yet, not really, not in this lifetime.

“This is why,” Magnus says knowingly. _Why we can’t get close. Not yet._

“Yeah...” Alec says weakly, throat dry, heart hammering.

Magnus barely wills himself to release his hands from Alec and takes several quick steps back. Alec wishes he wouldn’t.

Behind their words is the heavy realization that even once the negotiations are over they can’t proceed to hurtle towards each other like that, too present the danger of wrecking them both as two and as one.

“I’m sorry, I steered us right into this mess of a conversation,” Alec apologizes. He’d been so naive, thinking he could touch the flame without getting burnt, but the pull towards Magnus had been too strong, the need to know about their past life together so they could start on this next one, overwhelming.

Magnus closes his eyes and drops his chin, “But I should have stopped it ten-times over,” he admits.

And Alec wants to ask them if this was all they were - guilt and apologies and absolution, over and over again. If they can read his confusing journal together sometime. But he’s learned his lesson tonight, so he bites his tongue. He’s not sure it’s enough though, so he starts to button up his shirt as he instinctively turns towards the direction of the door.

Magnus recovers a little, “Instead of you walking out that door…”

Alec turns back around hopefully, “I’m all ears.”

“We could do our assigned homework,” Magnus suggests.

“Oh. Yeah, I think we can manage that,” Alec says, letting out a shaky breath and taking in a steady one, refocusing and finally dropping his arms to his sides comfortably.

“Good. Drink?” Magnus asks as he turns to the credenza and pours himself a glass of something Alec can’t identify.

“I don’t really-- yes. Yes, please,” Alec says as he makes his way to the dining room table while Magnus whips up a second drink.

“Here,” Magnus says, handing the drink to Alec as he joins him at the table, “You’re probably going to hate it now but you developed a taste for them last lifetime.”

It takes a few minutes to get rolling on their homework, their concentration still belonging to their previous discussions until they press on with purpose. They’ve been assigned to compare and contrast a number of theories and strategies for discussion tomorrow. Their instructors could simply lecture about it, but they want to test if Magnus and Alec are getting their heads into it, and if they’re not, this forces them to.

They make good progress for a while, but Alec’s analytical skills go downhill with the alcohol. And by the end of the second drink, when Alec declares his intention to refer to Damion, Earre, Finny, and Gauthiette collectively as ‘alphabet soup’ going forward, Magnus realizes they best call it a night.

#  **~~~~~**

The days - in the light, surrounded by people, minds occupied - feel simpler. They’re focused on solving the world’s problems, not their own. But they’re still learning about each other, a passive absorption streaming in seamlessly with the knowledge fed to them by the Alphabet Soup crew.

The nights, which they spend alone, together, are a more delicate endeavour. They work on strategy, they quiz each other, they try to figure out how their styles fit. But with comfort and familiarity comes frequent slips, personal questions and comments, organic and innocent in origin. They do their best to catch each other, to recognize the road they’re about to go down, gently deferring responses they don’t think they can safely give.

It gets harder, the more they learn about each other, despite the distance they’ve imposed between them. Bright smiles, flushed cheeks, and too-long stares betray budding feelings over and over.

Alec had heard plenty about Magnus over the years, much of it praise from within his own family, but also from others, and he'd read about him too. But to replace the generic adjectives - smart, funny, loyal, kind, powerful - and even colourful stories, with the real experience is something different.

Magnus has a much broader basis of comparison - over 60 years of being Alec's friend, partner, and lover. He finds that he agrees with the general wisdom that Alec is more like the elderly Alec than the young Alec he'd first met.

The Alec of today is free, not care free, but free in a way it took him decades to reach last lifetime. While he is serious and fond of rules and regimen, carrying a burden of expectation and responsibility, he's not so uptight. He is confident and competent and grounded, at least as much as a very unique 19-year-old can be. As always, he carries his heart on his sleeve if he lets you get close enough to see.

But he is also young - so young, and that makes him a little impulsive, like young Alec before, sometimes leaping without looking to get past his fears. That instinct had tempered naturally with age. Now, though his perspectives are rather mature, hints of inexperience shine through.

Ultimately it’s clear to Magnus that the Alec by his side today is his husband of decades, the foundation all there and the growth of character clung fast to him. But there is the evidence of a different upbringing as well.

Alec’s childhood had been vastly different from the first. It may have been unusual and confusing at times, but he had a lot more support, and hadn’t been pushed so hard. Enormous pressure had been placed on him by others, expecting him to do great things, but Raquel had stood as a breaker the best she could, only requiring him to always try his best. Raquel had been a softer mother, more like Maryse had been as a grandmother, a realization which had made Magnus smile to think of Maryse minding Theo and Renly.

Magnus notices that even Alec's body language is more open, not always in parade rest - a habit that had stuck around in his last life - though he did turn to it when he needed to feel strong. He's more talkative and warm, but still cautious around new people.

Of course there had been a risk that Alec could become full of himself, with all the respect and praise just for his name, but Magnus gets the impression that Alec uses any influence it gives him to help others and to improve things where he can.

And so Magnus quickly finds that he won’t even need to fall in love with Alec over again - he's remembered how to love him as easily as remembering to breathe - probably because he’d never stopped. Magnus hopes Alec will get there too one day, but he worries he himself may have changed too much in the quarter of a century since Alec’s death, that their history will be too overbearing, that they just won’t work anymore, that love won’t be enough.

But it’s a start.

And Alec is falling - at least he thinks he must be. The closest comparison he has - still miles away - is how he feels for Kara - that they just _fit_ , that something in Magnus calls to something in him. But he’s never felt _like this_ before, and it’s unnerving, how, unless he’s completely focused on something else, he finds himself a little breathless when Magnus enters a room, his heart beats faster when Magnus walks by, his skin practically tingles when Magnus is leaning in close to pour over a map on the desk.

With each passing day, each lingering evening, where instead of saying goodnight they find excuses to stay up working, the artificial barrier they’ve so carefully constructed between them crumbles a little more.

~~~

Alec groans as he wakes up from an awkward position on the couch. He’d fallen asleep reading a boring speech in the old hard copy book. He’d never touched a real book until this week, everything he’d ever needed to study or reference before now could be pulled up on a screen. He looks at his phone-watch and realizes he’s napped away an hour of the evening.

“By the Angel, Magnus, why did you let me sleep?”

They were supposed to be working on their opening remarks.

Magnus’s voice comes weakly from the loveseat across the coffee table from Alec’s couch.

“You were snoring.”

“I don’t sn-- okay yeah I do. But that's even more reason to wake me up,” Alec says as he sits up groggily and rubs his eyes.

“I haven’t heard that snore in… over 26 years…” Magnus says quietly.

“Oh,” is all Alec can say - as it is he almost chokes on the single syllable, heart breaking to hear that number, knowing he’s only been struggling with all of it for a few years and it already seems too much. He can scarcely imagine 26.

Alec gets up and moves to sit next to Magnus without even thinking. He takes Magnus’s hands in his own.

“Hey,” Alec says softly.

Magnus can’t look at Alec right away, instead concentrating on the feeling of Alec’s hands. They are smoother than he ever knew them. Calloused archer hands by the time they met the first time,  wrinkled more recently. Alec is a good archer in this life too, though probably not as good if his hands are any indication. Magnus chooses to take it as a sign that maybe Alec hasn’t been so hard on himself this time around, has taken more care, hasn’t left wounds neglected.

“Magnus…?” Alec tries again, and Magnus finally turns to look at him.

His eyes are glossy, but that only serves to emphasize the shine of his golden cat eyes.

Alec’s expression shifts quickly from one of concern to one of awe, a smile breaking easily across his face.

“Wow,” he says under his breath, then louder, “They’re really stunning.”

Magnus is confused for a moment, not even having realized he’d let the glamour fall as he’d sat there in the dark listening to Alec snore.

“Thank you Alexander,” Magnus says as he recovers, but it’s only for a moment, because how can he not think of the first time Alec saw his eyes,  _really_ saw them, the same night they first shared their bodies with one another -- the first of many many times, and how Alec doesn’t remember a single time now. Magnus despairs that even their hands clutched together must feel foreign to Alec.

Alec watches closely, certain he can see a memory register in Magnus's mind, only for sorrow to flash across his face. It's become a common occurrence. Alec swallows his disappointment but his smile fades as Magnus's eyes go dark.

He squeezes Magnus's hands, “Are you alright?"

“I’m fine,” Magnus says with a forced smile, letting Alec go, because touching him is too much, he needs none or all.

“Are you sure? Because if I start reading that book again I can give you more snores in about 5 minutes,” Alec tries for humour.

Magnus manages a feeble laugh and that will have to be good enough for now.

~~~

The next night, they break from their work for dinner at one of the two restaurants in town. It’s late and they have half the dining room to themselves, seated at rounded booth near the back.

“This is surprisingly good food for what is basically a campus pub,” Magnus muses as he eyes another appetizer, “Though anything is better than that replicated junk people are eating these days.”

“Yeah, they’re pretty big on that stuff at the Institutes. This is good. But I got to try the authentic dish in Munich last year and wow,” Alec says.

Magnus thinks of _their_ trip to Munich once upon a time, and briefly smiles affectionately. It’s the smile Alec has quickly come to love, that is frequent on the heels of a spark of recognition, but so often disappears too fast as the triggered memory blooms.  

It’s finally eaten through the last of the walls Alec had put around it to keep it out mind, and it only takes a few minutes before Magnus notices an uncomfortable silence has replaced what has become their increasingly relaxed, though careful, regular dinner banter.

“Is something bothering you?” Magnus asks.

“Yes…” Alec admits readily, “I know I shouldn’t ask things I may not like the answer to but…”

“Leaving things festering between us doesn’t help our concentration either,” Magnus finishes for him with a knowing smile, “So ask me. We’ll manage.”

“It’s just… I feel like…” Alec begins tentatively before blurting out the rest, “everything I do, everything I say, reminds you of something horribly sad and I wonder if we were even happy or if it was just a struggle all the time and--”

“That's not-- no, no, Alec, the memories--” Magnus begins haltingly.

As Alec had yesterday, Magnus feels compelled to move _closer_ , so he slides around the curve of the booth to sit next to Alec,  the distance across the table seeming too much, to merely reach for his hand not enough.

“Alexander,” Magnus continues solemnly, putting a hand on Alec's arm and giving a soft squeeze, “It’s not that the memories of our life together aren’t happy, it’s that they _are_ happy, so happy, and you don’t possess them anymore. My sadness is for that loss you’ve suffered.”

It’s the answer Alec hoped for, awful as it is.

“I’m sorry to have put that question in your mind. I was never very good at controlling my face,” Magnus apologizes.

“It’s not your fault. I know how much harder this must be for you than for me. God, you're so strong, I could never--"

“The old fool,” Magnus says wryly under his breath, huff of laughter escaping.

“Who?”

“You. The old fool who wrote your journal,” Magnus sounds amused yet fondly annoyed, “That’s where you’re getting this from isn’t it? Laying all the blame on yourself, putting me on a pedestal? Worrying that our relationship was only angst-fueled passion?”

“I don’t know,” Alec says honestly. He just says what he thinks, what he knows in his heart - he’s not always sure where it comes from.

“I should never have let you have your journal like that. We were meant to read it together, but I couldn’t bear the thought of reading it, not until now. But Raquel told me you were struggling and it’s the only thing I could think of that might help you.”

“No, it was good. It made me realize we both have to struggle with this in different ways, for different reasons, but we're the only two people in the world who can understand what the other is going through, if we try.”

“We could read it together sometime?” Magnus offers, absently rubbing Alec’s arm.

“I’d like that,” Alec agrees, nodding softly in encouragement, then asks, “Do you think there is any way to get my memories back?”

Magnus sighs, “If they were just locked away… maybe… I don’t know, but I suspect they were shed while your soul was in limbo and your body was ash. Or perhaps they weren’t lost until they were cleansed by the fires of resurrection… but either way...”

“It sounds like you’ve thought about this as much as I have.”

Magnus smiles, “Research too. And consulted with experts on souls… even a few shady characters whom rather alarmingly would like to get their hands on you for some unpleasant experiments...”

“I, uh, think I’ll take a pass on the lab rat opportunity,” Alec says, brow furrowing.

“I took the liberty of turning them down on your behalf. Hope that’s alright,” Magnus says with a smirk.

“Quite,” Alec pauses, “Did anyone think it’s possible the memories are still somewhere in my mind?”

“Well, there could be remnants, perhaps. No one knows for certain. You’re quite unique.”

“You know, I never really thought about it until recently, because I hadn’t understood what I was missing, but now...  I’m sad. I’m sad that I lost a lifetime of memories with you, with our family, with my family. I guess this way I don’t have to miss them but...”

“I promise I’m going to fill you in on everything, once the negotiation is over,” Magnus says, hand going to Alec’s ear, fingers ghosting over its shell, thumb brushing Alec’s cheek--

Alec shivers and Magnus yanks his hand back, and both of them erupt into overlapping apologies.

“Sorry, I--” Magnus begins.

“No it’s okay--” Alec interrupts.

“Ah, you’ve probably noticed I forget sometimes that we’re not… that I can’t take the same liberties with your person, your personal space, that I used to,” Magnus explains.

“It’s okay, I don’t mind. Just kinda makes my heart race,” Alec confesses, colour rising to his cheeks, lips curving into the goofy grin he reserves for those closest to him.

Alec notes triumphantly that Magnus is blushing a little bit too behind his answering wide smile - a smile that lingers through dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SOMEONE SAVE SHADOWHUNTERS ALREADY.  
> I'm on tumblr but do we even use that anymore? Come find me on twitter @saadiestuff  
> (I literally cannot bring myself to read this again even though I'm still finding errors so hopefully they weren't too bad!)


	11. Near Kisses, Near Misses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for some violence.

“I can’t believe no one has ever made it around to scanning these,” Alec says as he carefully unfolds a brittle ancient map of Gymatrius, “They’re going to disintegrate.”

“We should speak to the Joint Council about it. It would be a shame to lose so much history,” Magnus agrees as he helps Alec lay the map flat on a large, high, table.

“Well, at least this one will be preserved,” Alec says as he quickly captures the image of the map with his watch’s scanner, “I bet they don’t even realize what they’re sitting on here.”

“I expect not. Most of the Councillors weren’t alive the last time some of this material was opened,” Magnus says as he plucks a particularly crusty atlas from a pile and settles onto on a stool at the table.

Alec sits down next to Magnus and starts surveying the map, “So, what’s the date on this one? We’re definitely close because there are only the two territories. I’m not seeing a year though…”

“It may have faded right off,” Magnus suggests, peering closer.

“We’ll have to cross check it then,” Alec says as he cracks open the atlas, a thick puff of dust erupting from it.

“My goodness,” Magnus exclaims, managing to both clear the air and roll up his sleeves with a single snap of his fingers.

“Thanks,” Alec coughs.

“So this point here…” Magnus places a finger first to a page of the atlas, then reaches across to a spot on the map, “Matches with this point here? What do you think?”

Alec doesn’t answer.

“Alec…?”

“Oh, sorry, it’s just the first time I’ve seen yours in person...” Alec explains his distraction, voice quiet, as he nods towards the familiar mark on Magnus’s wrist, “Is it a tattoo?”

Magnus smiles weakly, “A magical one of sorts. Not an early 21st century mundane tattoo,” he cringes a bit, “I never was a fan of needles.”

Alec begins to roll up his own sleeve, but Magnus makes to stop him.

“You don’t--” Magnus starts, but then pauses to consider his approach, “I just happen to enjoy a nice structured jacket. But you…”

“Keep mine hidden?” Alec sighs deeply, “It’s just a habit - started when I was young, to protect myself from mean kids making dumb jokes. Later… to avoid the reminder that I maybe don’t belong only to myself,” he swallows thickly as he reveals the rune, “But being around you, it's not like I can forget that anyways. And I'm finding… I don’t really mind.”

Magnus smiles at Alec, so warm and endearing and _hopeful_ that it’s almost too much. Magnus’s hand goes to Alec’s wrist, encircling it, fingers landing on the dark lines, thumb over Alec’s pulse, making Alec’s recent confession that Magnus’s touch makes his heart race all the more real.

“You got yours on our wedding day. It was very important to you to have one, but you didn’t ask me to get one - never expected me to - and I didn’t, not until years later, when I found myself wanting it,” Magnus explains, skirting the deeper implications of Alec's words, for now.

“Did we-- I know it’s not a Warlock tradition either, but you like rings,” Alec says simply, question plain.

“I do,” Magnus says.

Alec scans Magnus’s fingers with his eyes, and not for the first time, but there are always so many rings, and they move frequently, sometimes even to his ring finger. But quickly Magnus’s hands are moving away, up to the chain around his neck hanging beneath his shirt.

He pulls it off, and dangling from it are two smooth, matching, rings glinting in the light as Magnus lowers them into Alec’s hand. They feel warm, carrying the heat of Magnus’s body. Alec can’t tell which is his -  they’re identical as far as he can tell - but rolling them around in his fingers, the urge to slip one on becomes near impossible to resist, so he clutches them into a fist instead, pressing them into the flesh of his palm.

“Have you been wearing these… since I died?” Alec asks.

“I wore them both as rings on and off for a long time… Then you were re-born, and it felt strange, and I stopped... You understand,” Magnus looks at Alec, eyes pleading that he does, because he's the only one who can.

Alec nods heavily.

“But when I got the call about doing the negotiation I put them on the chain - I suppose I thought I might need their strength. I didn’t know how things would go with you…”

“And how are things going?” Alec asks, turning his gaze from his fist, his chin coming up, catching Magnus’s innocent though mischievous grin before their faces are too close together for eyes to read lips.

“Pretty well I’d say…” Magnus gulps, his heart galloping fast enough to take Alec’s in a dead heat. But the rest of him feels uncomfortably still, the symbols of their marriage out between them weighing heavily, the passing moments somehow both long and short.

“Magnus…” slips quietly from Alec’s lips.

It’s enough for Magnus to find his voice, break the spell, and speak for them both, “It’s a lot, isn’t it?”

“Of pressure? Yeah...” Alec confirms, moving to give them a few inches of separation, and remembering how to breathe, “I guess… um… you’ll hold on to these for us?” he asks as he opens his fist around the rings.

“I will,” Magnus promises.

Alec lifts the chain with two hands and makes motion to slip it back over Magnus’s head, who ducks to assist. Alec is careful not to touch Magnus’s quite-tall hair, although he finds really wants to.

Alec clears his throat, though not well enough, his words tripping out the way they only do when Magnus has him flustered, “Uh, while we’re on the topic of marriage-- I mean, getting back to business, but on the topic of marriage--”

“We never had a chance to discuss Gauthiette’s presentation from this morning?” Magnus rescues him.

Alec hums his agreement, “I think she’s right, that marriage alliances will be put on the negotiation table, whether we like it or not.”

“I agree. They’re old fashioned, but then, so are two of the factions...”

“Maybe not so old fashioned… I had several proposals this year,” Alec says wryly.

“I’d heard rumours,” Magnus says unsurprised.

“All the rumours are true.”

“Even the new Seelie King?” Magnus asks, not finding it in himself to care that they’d only managed to stay on task for all of 15 seconds.

“He put out feelers. When he didn’t get the traction he was looking for he didn’t make a formal offer,” Alec explains, “Though there was another Seelie who did, and Vampires, Werewolves, Shadowhunters.”

“Popular guy,” Magnus quips with a smile and a raised eyebrow.

“I guess some people expected that as soon as I came of age, you and I would get together. When that didn’t happen, well... I tried to take it as flattering,” Alec laughs, “But it was strange.”

“Did you actually consider any of them?” Magnus asks, curious.

“No. The Clave may have, but I didn’t,” Alec scoffs, but his scorn is directed fully at the Clave, and at those who sent proposals to the Clave rather than to him personally. His face warms as he turns to Magnus, “Though to be honest the thought did cross my mind that instead of having to get up the courage to call you, I could agree to a marriage so that you would crash the wedding and we could go from there...”

“Well, I can’t fault you for considering that tried and true method,” Magnus laughs, “So… no proposals from Warlocks, huh?”

“None. I think there was a memo that I was off limits,” Alec says with a quizzical smirk.

“I never--”

“I’m kidding,” Alec says gently.

“Oh,” Magnus says quietly, “We do have memos sometimes.”

“Well, at least one Warlock didn’t get the memo. It wasn’t a formal proposal though - just an offer to sleep with me, with the goal of pissing you off.”

“Charming…” Magnus rolls his eyes, thinking of the short list of Warlocks who dislike him _that_ much, “Clearly you didn’t take him up on it or I would have heard - that being the goal and all.”

“No, I explained to _her_ that I’m really fucking gay,” Alec says, remembering how he’d had to yell at her over the too-loud music of the party they’d been at.

Magnus laughs, and Alec tries to, but it rings false, and trails off, fearing leaving Magnus with a false impression.

“What is it?” Magnus asks.

Alec pauses for a long moment. He doesn’t want to answer, probably shouldn’t.

“I didn’t exactly… wait around for you though… I’m sorry,” Alec admits, head bowed, thinking of Jake, and of the few mundanes he had attempted to date in the past year during his tour of ‘growing up’.

“Oh, Alexander, it’s okay,” Magnus assures him softly, hating the tone of shame he’d caught in Alec’s voice, “That doesn’t matter to me. You have nothing to apologize for.”

“You don’t sound surprised,” Alec says, though finds that this itself does not surprise him either.

“No… Some things you’ve mentioned about guilt, and what you just said about not being sure that you belong to yourself? I’m very familiar with the context for those feelings…”

“Right. I guess you would be… and that’s good. I mean, not good that you felt-- but good that you-- ah… weren’t _alone_ for all that time, if you didn’t want to be. Whatever that involves.”

The truth on both sides dances silently between them, speaking of lifetimes to come - _I want you to be happy even when you can’t be with me._

“Well, we are certainly in a mood this evening, aren’t we?” Magnus says, barely a whisper louder than the unspoken words, smile kind and fond.

“Ooh yes,” Alec agrees, scrambling for some diversion, desert-dry mouth providing it, “I’m going to go get a glass of water. Did you want one?”

“If it’s cold and I can pour it over my head,” Magnus says flatly.

Alec laughs, shaking his head as he gets up, “Good idea, just not near the maps!”

~~~

A light sleeper by training, Alec is awoken the next night by footsteps - purposeful, quiet, sneaking footsteps.

He immediately grabs his stele and activates his silencing and listening runes. He’d closed the door to the second-floor bedroom when he’d gone to sleep, and it remains so, but still his eyes sweep the dark room, clearing it, before putting an ear to the door.

He hears something down the hall, and picks up his seraph blade; bow and arrows aren't that useful inside a small townhouse, so he leaves them leaned against the doorframe.

He exits in one swift movement, blade ready, but cautious - at this point not knowing if the footsteps belong to a threat, or someone friendly but stupid enough to sneak through the house of a sleeping Shadowhunter. But when he spins out into the moonlit hall and sees the large sword his masked guest is holding, he knows it's the former.

Alec isn’t worried, he’s good at hand to hand combat, and his opponent is small, built for stealth and not strength - though Alec knows that can be misleading, especially in the Shadow World.

“Who are you, and what do you want?” Alec asks.

The person doesn’t answer, just charges forward, sword out but unaimed, and throws something ahead at Alec, which Alec easily knocks away with his own blade, causing the item to smash against the wall beside his head. The smell from the shattered vial - Alec now identifies - is strange and strong, but seems to dissipate quickly.

And suddenly, Alec is frozen - stopped dead in his tracks near the top of the stairs, unable to move, every inch of him suspended in place.

His brain races in confusion. He's not been injured, there's nothing _wrong_ with him. Except that he can't move a muscle, and is about to fall over, stiff.

In horrifying slow motion, or so it seems to Alec, the attacker reaches him, blade pointed just below his ribcage.

As soon as it pierces his flesh Alec feels able to move again, arms coming in to protect himself, but it's too late to stop the momentum of his body tipping over, and of the blade meeting it, curving up and into his chest.

 _I'm taking you down with me_ , Alec thinks as he makes the only move he can, shifting his weight so they both fall. In the struggle, Alec smashes his watch on the banister, weight of two bodies on it, bone cracking in his wrist beneath, stele in hand going flying down to the first floor, his legs kicking out so his attacker tumbles down the stairs after it, while Alec remains at the top.

The attacker's head hits the wall with a satisfying thud but there's a groan and Alec is certain he or she isn't dead.

Alec wishes he could feel so sure about himself as he places his hands to the long handle of the sword sticking out of him.

_Fuck._

“Call Magnus,” he says weakly, throat gurgling, in the general direction of his watch. He tastes blood.

Nothing.

He takes one hand off the sword, raising it so he can look at his broken watch, and finds it flooded with blood.

But then it starts to buzz, vibrating in the familiar pattern he has set for Kara, normally a comforting feeling, but now it scares him, because if she felt this - it must be bad as he thinks.

She'll send help, but it will be too late.

“Answer! Answer!” he yells, or he tries to anyways, but his watch only goes silent and still.

_Raziel, Kara will kick my ass if I die. She'll wait until I’m reborn and she'll kick my ass._

Alec laughs at the thought - with the shock setting in, the blood loss, it's hilarious.

“Fuck!” he cries out, because laughing hurts - a lot.

But it’s good; the pain cutting through brings him back.

He struggles to think. He’ll bleed out fast if he removes the blade, but he can't risk moving with it inside his chest for the length and angle of it.

_Out it is._

The pain is blinding but he moves quickly, knowing he only has a minute, maybe less. He uses his legs to push himself a few feet down the hall, leaving a trail of blood back to the door of his bedroom, reaching around the frame to grab his bow and arrows.

He takes a quick look to see if he can aim an arrow at the attacker down the stairs to deliver a final blow before he turns his attention towards getting help.

But he can’t. The angle is wrong - he’d need to stand up, and there’s no way in hell that is happening.

And there’s no time.

Alec sets his sights instead on the window at the end of the hall, knowing that a few feet beyond is a matching window into Magnus’s hallway.

Between the gaping wound in his chest and his fractured wrist it’s excruciating to sit up, to aim, to shoot, hands slick with blood. He can barely do it, it takes everything he has, _everything_ , teeth gritting against the pain so hard even his jaw hurts. But he succeeds, adrenaline carrying him through, the arrow shattering the glass.

One more time he aims blindly through his broken window, hopefully to Magnus's. He doesn't think he can do it this time, he's shaking too badly now, in too much pain.

Alec collapses the instant the second arrow leaves his bow. He doesn't know if it makes its mark, vision blacking out, ears ringing.

He spends the last seconds of his fading consciousness willing himself not to forget this life. Not to forget Magnus.

_I will remember._

~~~

Magnus wakes with a start to the sound of glass shattering in the hall outside his bedroom. He throws all the lights on, more magic ready at his fingertips, sweeping for intruders. Sensing none other than the arrow, he goes to the shattered window and looks through, cat eyes allowing him to see feet further into the dark to Alec’s matching shattered window.

_Alec._

Magnus curses the magic restrictions in the town preventing him from portalling. He runs as fast as he can out of his house, cutting across his lawn to Alec’s, bursting through the door, again magically turning on all the lights.

He sniffs at the faint smell in the air, hairs on the back of his neck standing up.

_It wouldn't-- can't be…_

But even though he's never smelled _veneficusvenenum_ \- few Warlocks who _have_ lived to tell the tale - he recognizes the unique mix of ingredients.

He heads for the stairs slowly, cautiously. As much as he wants to get to Alec as soon as possible, if he is taken out himself then he's of no help.

He reaches sightline of staircase just as the attacker begins to get up.

“Hey!” Magnus yells, “Don't move or I will--”

Magnus doesn't get to finish his sentence before the black-clothed figure reaches into their jacket and--

“Stop! Stop!” Magnus tries again, but he is not heeded and the attacker makes to smash the vial now in his hand.

There is no way that Magnus knows of to contain a dose of _veneficusvenenum_ once it hits the air. So he acts quickly, his power pushing hard against the boundaries of the magic restrictions as the vial and the attacker disappear, swallowed up into a dark void, along with several steps out of the staircase.

“Alec! Alec!” Magnus calls, as he rushes up the steps, leaping over the large gap, heart pounding, bile rising in his throat as the smell of blood grows stronger and the image of a sticky, crimson, pile of ash forms in his mind.

_Please, please, no._

_~~~_

Alec wakes to all the lights on, Magnus kneeling above him, magic pulsing inside his chest, Magnus’s palms pressed to his torso, his hands gripping Magnus’s wrists hard in protective instinct to fight anyone away from his injured body.

Alec is shivering uncontrollably, ears still ringing, head spinning. Everything is blurry but it slowly registers that he is staring into Magnus’s cat eyes - a sure indication of how dire things are.

“Magnus,” Alec whines, apology and fear clear in his tone.

“You’re fine. You’re healing,” Magnus soothes.

“C--cold--d,” Alec stutters out, teeth chattering, trusting but not believing Magnus.

“Your body had a bit of a shock. Just give it a minute, okay? You’re okay,” Magnus assures Alec as he sends a last bit of magic into him for good measure.

Alec whimpers, body prickling, twitching involuntarily as it comes alive. He wishes he was braver, but he’s fucking terrified - he can’t breathe - or he can, but his brain is still begging, _screaming_ , for oxygen.

“Shh, just breathe, it’ll pass,” Magnus says softly, “You lost a lot of blood, and now it's back - your brain is catching up,” he explains as he manages to gently wrestle one wrist from Alec’s near literal death-grip and brings his hand up to Alec’s face, “I’ve got you.”

Alec instantly melts into Magnus's touch, calm sweeping over him, and eyes closing, squeezing out tears that Alec hadn't even realized were pooling. With his thumb Magnus brushes away the escaping stream down one cheek.

It only takes a few moments for him to finally relax. And then, that only last seconds.

Alec’s eyes suddenly fly open as he jolts up, knocking Magnus back, “The attacker! They were still alive. We need to--”

"I got them,” Magnus says firmly.

Alec’s head is spinning, “There could be more--”

“We're safe. I've put up a temporary force field. It's the best I can do under the restrictions but it'll do for now.”

Alec sways a little then where he sits, hand going to hold his head.

“Head rush?” Magnus asks.

“Yeah. But I’m good,” Alec says, shaking it off and taking his first normal breath.

There's merely a beat before Magnus launches himself into Alec’s arms, hugging him tightly, cheek pressed against cheek.

“Sorry,” Magnus mumbles into Alec's shoulder, apologizing for throwing himself at Alec as he has, and moving to let him go, but Alec is already returning the embrace, squeezing Magnus even closer to him. “I thought I was going to lose you Alec. When I’ve just found you again. That was too close.”

“I know. I’m so sorry. But you're right, I'm fine. I’m fine.”

They hold tight a little longer, both longing for the day they can hug over something over than death. They do peel apart, albeit reluctantly, knowing they have to deal with what just happened.

“I'm going to call Simon,” Magnus says.

“Okay, but first, I need to call Kara. She _felt_ it. She's probably making all kinds of trouble sending the cavalry here to save me.”

“Oh dear. Yes of course,” Magnus agrees and he taps his watch to call Kara instead.

"Hey, sorr--" Alec begins when Kara’s face pops up on the holograph screen.

"Alec! By the angel Alec, are you okay? What happ--" she asks, panicked.

"I'm alive, and I'm safe. I’m sorry to have--"

“Magnus?” Kara looks to him for confirmation.

"He's fine. Or he is now anyways."

"What the hell happened?" she asks, turning back to Alec, eyes wide and scared, “I thought-- I felt-- _Raziel,_ Alec, I thought you were dying.”

"I got a little impaled..." Alec explains as he glances at Magnus and then back, "A lot impaled. On a sword."

"How-- Oh, hang on," she says turning away from the screen and talking to someone in the room with her on her end, "Evan, cancel the emergency portal... yes and the team... yes and the... cancel all of it."

“Just like you said,” Magnus whispers to Alec.

“Sorry, you were saying?” Kara says, attention back on Alec.

"I was attacked, and Magnus healed me, and now we need to go because someone is trying to torpedo the negotiations,” Alec explains hurriedly, knowing he owes her more, feeling how rattled she is.

“Alright, I’ll leave you to it,” she says, reluctant, but understanding the call of duty, “You’ll call me later?”

“Promise.”

“Okay. Goodbye,” she turns then to Magnus, “Thank you.”

Magnus nods, and Alec watches as he and Kara exchange a look, one of deep empathy and understanding of the fear they each experienced only minutes earlier, fear distinct from Alec’s own.

“Are you going to call Simon? They also gave us that emergency number,” Alec says when Kara has disconnected.

“This may have been an inside job. I only trust Simon,” Magnus explains, the call already going through, flagged with emergency status.

“What makes you think--”

“Magnus, what’s wrong?” Simon asks, coming on screen.

“Someone just tried to kill me,” Magnus says.

“What?” Alec says, confused, and mildly offended, “Don’t you mean me?”

“They had Warlock poison - a powerful paralytic, specialized for Warlock physiology. They were after me.”

“That’s why you think it was an inside job - because they came to the wrong house. We switched key cards the first day!” Alec says, putting the pieces together.

“That’s right.”

“And that’s why I was frozen and the attacker had no sword skills?”

“You were frozen?” Magnus asks, surprised.

“Ya I--”

“Guys, guys, slow down. Fill me in,” Simon interrupts.

“I’ve been living in the house that was assigned to Magnus,” Alec explains, “And tonight, someone snuck in - pretty skillfully too - I confronted them, and they threw a vial of something at me. Then I was frozen in place for a few seconds while they walked up to me and stabbed me in the gut. If they were wanting a quick assassination, that’s an odd target. Between that, and how they moved, it strikes me that they weren’t comfortable with a blade at all.”

“With the restrictions on what you can bring inside the town barriers, it may have been their only choice to go with an unfamiliar weapon,” Magnus suggests.

“And what about this Warlock poison?” Simon asks.

“ _Veneficusvenenum_ ,” Magnus says, “It’s a potion, banned for thousands of years - it’s not even widely known about, which is how we like it. There are few Warlocks who would possess all the power, skill, knowledge, _and_ stupidity to make a functioning dose, even if being paid handsomely. It paralyzes a Warlock for hours, making them easy to kill, whether you know your way around a sword or not. This assassin was chosen for stealth.”

“Why did it affect me? And why didn’t it affect you?” Alec asks.

“It only works if the Warlock is in proximity when the potion first meets the air, then it neutralizes, though apparently, as I learned tonight, the smell lingers. As for you, perhaps it interacted with the magic of your runes briefly?” Magnus muses.

“So who is this attacker? I assume he or she is dead or detained or else you would have started this conversation very differently,” Simon says.

“Dead…” Magnus says.

“Any idea of their identity?” Simon asks.

“No,” Magnus says.

“We will once we get a look under their mask,” Alec says.

“Unfortunately… we won’t be able to do that...” Magnus explains, “I had no choice but to suck the attacker and the vial… and some of the staircase… into something akin to a black hole.”

“A black hole?” Simon exclaims, alarmed, “We have all manner of magical and weapons restrictions to maintain a peaceful academic town and you’re telling me you were able to create a black hole?”

“Not an actual black hole. And if it makes you feel better, it was not easy to do. I was particularly motivated.”

Prepared to accept that answer for now, Simon considers the next steps. “Let me contact the Joint Council. I know you think this is an inside job, but which house we had originally assigned to each of you wasn’t exactly top secret information. Plenty of staff had access and could have told anyone.”

“But the attacker must have just arrived in town tonight, going off only the information from the records. It would have been easy to watch us and find out we’d switched, just by us coming an going every day,” Alec reasons.

“Exactly,” Magnus agrees.

“Maybe a hacker, in no contact with anyone on the ground?” Simon suggests.

“Could be. I just want to proceed with caution,” Magnus says.

They plan accordingly, deciding which details Simon will give to the Council. He expects by the time they’ve all been contacted, and connected with the ground team in Gymatrius for an update, Magnus and Alec won’t be summoned before them for an hour or two.

"I don't think this was orchestrated by any of the factions - at least not officially. More care would have been taken, the right house targeted. I also think the leaders all genuinely want to at least give the negotiation a try," Magnus suggests, as he paces in front of Alec.

“Maybe a rogue element? But you said no Warlock would make the potion without a big payout, right? So where’d they get the money? Maybe used threats instead?”

“Perhaps. There are too many possibilities,” Magnus says, feeling restless and unfocused, worried about the potential supply of _veneficusvenenum_ out in the world, and the urge to whisk Alec up and take him far away stronger than ever - so he keeps moving instead.

“It would have been much easier to kill me, but I guess they know you’re the real lynch pin.”

“Alec…” Magnus says, sounding disheartened, and stops pacing for a second.

“I’m not knocking myself, it’s just that there is a lot to be said for experience,” Alec explains.

“I suppose,” Magnus answers absently, beginning to move again.

“Magnus...”

“We aren’t going to figure this out talking it through. We need clues.”

“Magnus, would you stay still for a minute? You’re going to wear a hole in the floor and you’ve already done a number on the stairs,” Alec says, hoping to lighten the mood as he reaches out to touch Magnus’s arm, slow him down.

He certainly doesn’t mean to spin Magnus around and into him, but he’d underestimated the momentum, and they come to rest face to face, hips touching, arms bracing around waists.

They just sort of slump together, embracing, seeking comfort, but without the panic-fueled adrenaline of _you almost died_ , it’s different.

There’s space to notice the heat of each others bodies as they mold together in familiar greeting; their scents, untainted by blood and poison; breaths coming, hearts beating, in a natural rhythm.

There’s time for Alec to appreciate the breadth of Magnus’s shoulders; for Magnus, on his toes, to wonder if Alec is taller in this lifetime, or if he's just forgotten.

When they part, they don’t go far, foreheads touching, breathing the same air, eyes closed.

“Can I kiss you?” Alec whispers.

“Alexander…” Magnus answers, apologetic in tone.

Alec takes a deep breath, “Okay, it’s okay,” he says, defeated but sincere.

“I want you to... but it wouldn’t just be a kiss,” Magnus explains, voice barely rising above a murmur, “If we… I won’t be able to stop myself, unless you ask me to stop. And I get the sense that--”

“I won’t ask you to stop,” Alec finishes for him, knowing it’s true - he won’t.

“Precisely,” Magnus confirms.

“And we're not ready.”

“I'm not.”

“Then we're not.”

Magnus nods against him, their foreheads seeming to have glued themselves together by now. And they keep holding each other, rocking gently, in a lovers embrace not meant for them - not yet. 

“But what if… what if I promise to stop us?” Alec rasps into the space in between.

“Alec…” Magnus laughs softly, but it's strained and a little desperate. _Don't tease; I can't take it._

“No, you’re right,” Alec says seriously, fighting to come up with an excuse that might satisfy them both, “We've got to keep our heads in the game. And besides, our first kiss shouldn’t be because I almost died and we’re freaked out.”

“First kiss?” Magnus says, heart skipping, voice cracking a little as the last of his resolve crumbles, “Oh, Alexander, by my count we’re into the hundreds of thousands.”

“Mag-nus,” Alec groans softly, the two syllables a clear plea: _kiss me._

Magnus obliges. His lips meet Alec’s. It’s chaste for only a beat before their mouths are open to each other, then closing against tongues and lips, hands grasping fistfuls of clothing or hair as they roam for purchase, stepping on each others' toes as their bodies try to occupy the same space.

Magnus feels dizzy and breathless with the want to reclaim each other. _God_ , Alec even _tastes_ how Magnus remembers.

To Alec, it’s all new, but damn does it feel _right._ Like _waking up_ in a warm bed, sun streaming in, birds--

They practically throw themselves apart at the sound of the emergency alert tone emanating from Magnus’s watch.

“Simon,” they say in unison.

“The truce has been broken,” Simon tells them.

“What? When?” Alec asks.

“Just in the last hour,” Simon says.

Concerned looks pass between them.

“Well,” Magnus says, “I guess killing me was only part of the plan…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Art by me, the Printscreen button, Microsoft Word, and Paint. XD  
> Probably bad Latin also by me, and errors, because omg I have no patience for editing!


	12. When Things Get Crazy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Summary: We're _not_ talking about sex. Are we?**
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> Refresher if you’ve forgotten where we left off: Someone tried to assassinate Magnus, but ended up nearly killing Alec instead. They had their second-ever first-kiss! But it got rudely interrupted because the temporary truce/ceasefire in Gymatrius was broken.

At the emergency Joint Council meeting, Magnus and Alec’s decision to head immediately to Gymatrius to reset the truce themselves - to show they haven’t been deterred - and commence negotiations, is met with protest.

The Council is, predictably, wildly offended at the suggestion of the inside job, but in a first test of their negotiation skills, Magnus and Alec convince the Council to provide resources for supplemented security, but deploying Magnus and Alec’s own people whom they trust.

Much of the Council also wants to investigate the assassination attempt before proceeding with negotiations, but they do not have the luxury of time on their side; with the ceasefire broken, the Shadowworld is again threatened with exposure. And the only clue they have to work from must be handled by the Warlock Council, beginning with interviewing every warlock capable of brewing _veneficusvenenum_.

And so, Magnus and Alec arrive in Gymatrius only hours later, and hit the ground running.

Thirty hours after the assassination attempt - all of them without sleep - the truce is back on.

~~~

“Wow,” Alec says as he and Magnus step through the portal into their accommodations where they will stay for the duration of the negotiations, “This has got to be ten times nicer than wherever the Council was going to put us up.”

“Surely. But more importantly, more secure. This place is warded to the hilt. And we have entire wing of the resort to ourselves,” Magnus says as he spins onto a couch and promptly closes his eyes.

“Hey, no, if we start cat napping this afternoon we won’t sleep tonight and then we’ll be at risk of dozing during the opening ceremonies tomorrow.”

Magnus groans.

“We need to get on a schedule and we need to practice our speeches and we should probably debrief on the truce negotiations, see what we can improve on for the negotiations-proper,” Alec continues.

Magnus doesn’t answer.

“Are you already asleep?” Alec asks loudly.

“Yes. Not all of us have stamina runes,” Magnus answers dryly.

“Alright. Half an hour,” Alec concedes.

Alec picks up his bags and goes off in search of a bedroom. The building is hyper-modern, not like the old 21st century townhouses they’d stayed in the last two weeks.

It turns out there are several bedrooms in the wing, all of which have doors opening into a yard where there’s a pool and a hottub, and a fence of tall trees that provides privacy yet at the same time makes you feel like you’re in the middle of the forest.

Alec stakes out one bedroom, unpacks for a little while, then flops onto the inviting looking bed. He closes his eyes for a few moments, then remembers they haven’t been closed this long since he was kissing Magnus. _Oh._ And before that… when he was bleeding out on the floor…

The next thing Alec knows, they’re flying open, his heart racing. He sits up quickly, runs his hands through his hair, and sighs, finally looking up to see Magnus standing in the doorway.

Alec startles.

“Sorry,” Magnus says, wincing in sympathy.

“How long have you been standing there?” Alec asks.

“Only for a second, I didn’t mean to wake you. I just wanted to make sure you were… okay.” _And not stabbed through the heart somewhere._

“You don’t need to check on me every five minutes,” Alec says, forcing a smile.

“Five min--? Alec, the half hour is up, and then some…”

Alec shakes his head, confused, rubbing his eyes, then moving his fingers to pinch at the bridge of his nose. “I thought I’d only closed my eyes for a second,” he groans, resigned, “Must be more drained than I realized. I guess we should get to work.”

“Alexander... I know from experience, we both do better when we talk about what’s bothering us, help each other...” Magnus offers, “And I understand if you’re not ready to talk to _me,_ but--”

“When things get crazy...” Alec says knowingly.

“We shouldn’t push each other away,” Magnus finishes, smiling.

“I thought you hadn’t read my journal?” Alec asks, eyebrow raised in question.

“I haven’t,” Magnus says truthfully.

“So then... things got crazy a lot didn’t they?” Alec proposes upon realizing it must have been a familiar refrain.

“From time to time…” Magnus admits with shrug.

Alec nods through the silence that follows.

“Do things feel crazy now?” Magnus asks eventually.

“No.”

“Alec, you almost died in a very violent and traumatic way, certainly haven’t had time to process it with the stress we’re under, then there’s the negotiation itself, and you’ve been hurtling towards me so fast that you don’t have time to think about it, or be scared.”

“Well… when you put it that way…” Alec says, sounding more amused than he should be.

Magnus frowns at him.

“Really, I’m doing okay,” Alec says seriously, “Would it be nice to have some time to unwind and process and slow down? Sure. But it’s fine, for now.”

“Unwind?” Magnus says curiously, adding with a smirk, “Is that something you do in this lifetime?”

Alec smiles back, “I try at least.”

“Good.”

“And you?”

“Steak, hot bath, martinis…”

Alec looks puzzled.

“How I unwind?” Magnus explains.

“Oh. I meant… Are you okay? You’re under all the same stress as me. Except the almost dying part - but you had to see that. And you’ve been a little weird since then, or, actually since we… you know, kissed,” Alec bravely ventures.

“Ah. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be... distant…? I know I’m doing it too but I can’t help myself. Like watching a trainwreck from the inside...” Magnus sighs.

Alec squirms a little, “It’s okay. I just worry that we’ll fall back into how we were before we got thrown into this negotiation together - so scared to get close, that we’ll get hurt, that it paralyzed us. Because it’s too late for that now, at least it is for me. I’m _in_ this.”

“Me too,” Magnus admits, “But, almost losing you…”

“I know,” Alec says, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t understand why that wouldn’t make Magnus want to get closer, the way it makes Alec want to.

“And that kiss, how familiar it felt… reminded me of just how complicated and strange and cruel our situation is.”

“I hope I didn’t rush you with-- I guess just, because of how… emotionally involved we already were, I didn’t really think about how _physical_ things would change things really?” Alec fumbles through an explanation of his own feelings.

“It’s not that...” Magnus sighs again, “I don’t know how to explain without… I don’t want to say anything that will hurt you.”

“You’ll be gentle.”

Magnus gulps, “There’s a lot I still have to reconcile, that I have to accept or at least learn to live with. About who you are.”

“I get it, that this is painful for you. To have me walking around in the same body, the same soul, but to be just a-- a shadow of the man you knew, you loved,” Alec loses a bit of control then, sounding a little frantic, despite himself, “But you don’t have to go through that alone. You don’t have to _be_ alone anymore.”

“Alexander, you have no idea--” Magnus says more loudly than he wants to, tone uneven, strained in conflict between passion and fear, “ _No_ idea how much I want to take comfort in you. Lose myself in you. Forget that you don’t know everything that we were. It would be so easy... For a time.”

And that’s just it - so far it has been easy, too easy, for how cursed their situation is. Suddenly it feels like it could fall apart - raised, fast voices, the air charged between them. But they both take shaky breaths, give it space to diffuse.

“I’m not talking about sex though,” Alec says suddenly, mouth going dry as the words fall from his lips, “You said you aren’t ready and I respect that.”

“I’m not talking about sex either?” Magnus says, voice rising in question because somehow he isn’t totally sure anymore. “Like you said, it’s almost irrelevant given how deep we’re already in this, but it would change--” Magnus shakes his head, a nervous laugh escaping, “Honestly, if we didn’t have an early morning tomorrow I’d let you take me to bed right now.”

“Oh,” Alec says, eyes going a little wide, biting down on his lip to stop _whatever_ his mouth had been planning to do on its own accord.

“When I said I wasn’t ready, it’s just, that comes from a place of--” Magnus starts again, “Staving off the physical, it’s the only thing I can control. Because I sure as hell can’t control my feelings for you. Or your feelings for me, or that we’re skipping so many emotional steps that we probably shouldn’t,” he adds wistfully as an afterthought, “poetically enough, just like last time.”

“What do you mean?” Alec asks, curiosity piqued.

Magnus naturally thinks first to tell Alec about how they said ‘I love you’ after only a few weeks together. Even though it was over 80 years ago, he remembers exactly how it happened, clear as day. But it hadn’t been a happy occasion. So he tries for something more pleasant.

“You asked to move in with me, I think we’d been dating… less than two months?”

“I did?”

“Yes.”

“That’s actually… kind of mortifying,” Alec says, making a face.

“We got past it,” Magnus assures him with a wink.

“But, like, that wouldn’t count this time… right?” Alec asks slowly. He's been trying to tell himself he’s not in love with Magnus yet, certainly not allowing himself to speak it, fearing sounding like a naïve young pup instead of like Magnus’s mature and measured husband. But apparently Alec’s rapid, head-first, approach to love and relationships hadn’t scared Magnus off before.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean all bets are off with timing… ya? Because we’ve been dating, married even, for decades. Technically speaking.”

“Technically,” Magnus agrees with a smile.

~~~

When Magnus wakes in the morning, cold, in an empty bed, he wonders how he managed to turn down the end to waking up alone. He wonders how he’ll do it again.

~~~

“Hey,” Magnus says as he approaches the hottub, “Couldn’t sleep?”

“Nah, too much to think about. I was hoping the heat would relax me,” Alec answers.

“Any luck?”

“Not really.”

Magnus smiles knowingly, “I always used to like a bath after a day like today, but somewhere along the road they went a little out of fashion. Lovely showers we have inside, but the hottub is a better substitute.”

“Can’t you just…” Alec waves his hands to imitate magic, “create a bathtub?”

“It’s considered a bit rude to remodel the accommodations,” Magnus explains, hugging his arms around himself against the chill in the air.

“Then I guess you’ll have to join me?” Alec invites shyly.

“I’d like to, if you don’t mind.”

“If you don’t mind that I’m not wearing anything…” Alec says, drawing his knees up as Magnus gets closer.

 _Nothing I haven’t seen before._ Magnus raises an eyebrow, “Skinny dipping are we?”

“I didn’t bring swim trunks,” Alec explains simply.

“Me neither,” Magnus says.

It’s dark out, but Alec watches as Magnus strips off his shirt, socks, shoes, and jewelry, turned sideways to Alec, moving like liquid. But Alec looks away as Magnus sheds his pants and underwear, catching the single smooth movement only out of the corner of his eye, then feeling the water shift as Magnus slips in across from him.

They sit in silence for a few minutes, limbs feeling heavy but drifting in the water.

“I keep going over the day. Trying to figure out where it first started to unravel,” Alec says finally.

Magnus sighs, “It went off the rails quickly.”

“Yeah. How we made it to day four of the negotiations without catching that issue though…”

“It was played close to the chest,” Magnus reasons, “And really only an adjacent piece.”

“Before-- last lifetime, would we have been able to mitigate the damage better? When we were more in sync?”

“No… maybe… but negotiations can go one step forward, two steps back, then take you down a different path. It’s not uncommon in my experience. _Our_ experience.”

“Well, I hope this two-day time-out sets us down the right one,” Alec says as he bats at a leaf that has fallen into the water.

“I think we made the right call.”

“Me too. Losing momentum is a risk, but it was swinging in the wrong direction anyways.”

“Mmhm,” Magnus hums in agreement, “And everyone will benefit from a break, including us.”

“A break, huh?” Alec smiles.

“We’ll strike a balance between business and pleasure,” Magnus grins flirtily.

But it’s a little too on the nose - their eyes meet and flicker away. Since arriving in Gymatrius five days ago they’ve been _all_ business, and it has done nothing to quell the fire burning beneath their skin.

Alec shifts a little uncomfortably, busying himself with the drowning the leaf, keeping his hands from reaching down under the water to stroke himself… his cock has been stiffening from the moment Magnus agreed to join him.

“So…” Alec croaks, not subtly, causing Magnus to look at him strangely, “...would I be wrong to take naked hot-tubbing as a sign of… interest?”

Magnus smiles but looks down, “No. I mean, you’re not wrong…” He shows no sign of movement.

“What scares you?” Alec asks, voice tender with concern that catches Magnus off guard.

“Hmm?”

“When we were talking a few days ago… when we first got to the resort? You know when we _weren’t_ talking about sex?”

“I remember…”

“I just got the impression that there is something that scares you, specifically about sex. With me,” Alec says delicately.

“Ah…” Magnus begins slowly.

“I’m sorry, you don’t have to,” Alec interrupts, “You don’t owe me an explanation. Just, if talking would help.”

“No I-- it’s just that-- Sex is a... full sensory experience,” Magnus explains, looking down and away so Alec can perfectly see his brows knitting together, “The senses and memory are linked. For me, it may be quite-- it may… bring up a lot? I’m not certain,” he says softly as he looks back up at Alec, eyes a little wide with uncertainty.

“I never thought about it like that,” Alec says quietly, “But that makes sense.”

“I’ve thought about it a lot,” Magnus confesses, “In fact, I think it may be becoming more distracting to _wonder_ than it would be to _know_.” His tone turned playful, and subtly wiggled eyebrows, plainly invite teasing.

“Are you saying we owe it to the negotiations to have sex so we _won’t_ be distracted?” Alec says, smirking.

“No, certainly not,” Magnus laughs, but then his expression falls more serious, “What I _am_ saying is, I’d really like to kiss you again. And see where that goes… If you’re up for that...”

Alec nods what he hopes is suitably vigorously to communicate an appropriate level of enthusiasm - and it is - inducing Magnus to glide through the water towards him. Magnus stops next to Alec, the sides of their naked bodies mere centimetres from touching, and extends a hand until his fingers curl around the back of Alec’s neck, thumb going to his jaw. They stare at each other just long enough for the water to settle.

Then, they kiss. And it’s clear from the moment their lips touch that they won’t be stopping this time, not even for the end of the world.

Especially not for the end of the world.

It’s messy, and desperate, bodies sinking into each other, rolling together with the movement of the waves of their own creation, legs tangling beneath the water, hands clutching, wandering, fingers trailing…

Alec gasps audibly as Magnus’s hand bumps into his cock, seated tight up against his belly.

"Sorry,” Alec murmurs, pulling back.

Magnus moves his offending hand up to the relative safety of Alec’s chest, "It's quite alright," Magnus assures him with a sly smile, "We are naked and touching..."

"Well… actually… I've been kinda hard since you took your clothes off..." Alec confesses, blushing a deep crimson he hopes Magnus can’t see in the dark of the night.

"I know it doesn't necessarily take much to get a rise out of someone your age, but I'll take it as a compliment," Magnus says delightedly.

"As you should," Alec says, trying to match Magnus's playful tone, but failing, tending towards serious instead, "You're the most beautiful man I've ever laid eyes on, and somehow I already know that's going to be true every lifetime."

It takes Magnus’s breath away, and he has no time to catch it as Alec seals their lips together once more. _Really, who needs to breathe?_

Magnus moves his hand lower again, deliberate movements this time, intent clear - Alec doesn’t flinch when Magnus’s fingers brush his crown, encircling it, then descending, exposing the full head beneath the ring of skin, tracing further down the length, before finally gripping it in a fist, beginning to stroke up and down.

Alec’s concentration for kissing Magnus wanes quickly, and Magnus takes pity on him, but not before suckling Alec's bottom lip for good measure as he changes the rhythm of his strokes and the pressure on Alec’s cock, all with a flick of his wrist, before sinking his hand down to the root.

“Oh fuck,” Alec breathes, closing his eyes and missing the triumphant smile that graces Magnus’s lips, “I’ve been wondering about that,” Alec pants out.

“About what?” Magnus asks curiously.

Alec hums with pleasure, voice sounding far away, “Wondering… if you’d know what my body likes better than I do... 'cause you’ve known it longer.”

 _Oh._ “Oh, Alec…” Magnus says, his other hand moving to cup Alec’s jaw, thumb sweeping over Alec’s well-kissed lips, then drawing Alec in for more before leaving his mouth to trail open mouthed kisses to Alec’s neck, kitten licks and nips in all the places he remembers drove Alec wild.

Alec keens. Somehow Magnus’s tongue feels even hotter than the water lapping at Alec’s shoulders.

By the time Magnus’s lips meet Alec’s again, Alec has gathered enough wits to fumble between them and take Magnus’s cock in hand, earning him an appreciative groan and a sharp tug to own cock before Magnus’s fingers decide to travel lower, first rolling Alec’s balls in his palm, then pressing two fingers behind, just teasing the lightest pressure along the expanse of skin there.

Alec jolts, toes curling, “ _Magnus!_ Fuck, I’m really close-- I don’t-- yet--” he stutters out through shallow breaths, trying and failing to stay perfectly still to avoid creating any friction.

“Bed?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Alec nods against him.

They clamber out of the hottub, stumbling whilst trying not to let go of one another, while Alec worries he’ll explode if his cock so much as brushes against Magnus; hot wet skin cooling instantly in the night air, they seek warmth in each other.

Collectively they manage to grab all of one small towel from a rack as they pass by on the way to Magnus’s bedroom - it’s closer than Alec’s. Their still mostly wet bodies slide against each other as they make their way to the bed.

When the backs of Magnus’s knees hit the mattress, he sits down, placing his hands on Alec’s hips where he stands in front of him, and begins kissing down Alec’s torso - his skin tastes of chlorine but Magnus doesn’t care.

“Wait… Magnus, you don’t need to-- I’m so close, really,” Alec says, hands going to Magnus’s face to turn it up to him, “Scoot back?”

Magnus backs up a little, pulling Alec down on top of him, taking Alec’s cock back in two magical hands, letting Alec buck into them, ample pre-cum serving as sufficient lubricant for the seconds it will take. Alec wraps his arms around Magnus, kissing him clumsily as he rocks against him, until he lets go and buries his face into Magnus’s neck. Magnus strokes him through it, one hand on his cock, the other sweeping over the long arc of Alec’s side and down his thigh.

Limbs still quivering, Alec flops down beside Magnus, curling over and around his side, an arm and leg draped across him, his cock twitching against Magnus’s hip.

Alec’s face remains buried against Magnus’s neck, and his hot quick breaths tickle as he lets out a satisfied little sigh against Magnus’s ear, his whole body squirming against Magnus like he can’t possibly stay still. Magnus used to tease that this was Alec’s quiet rebellion against parade rest.  

Magnus shakes off the memory and uses the towel to clean them up a little while Alec settles. As Alec’s breathing calms he places soft kisses to Magnus’s neck, and begins to skim his fingers first over Magnus’s chest, brushing over his nipples, then down, until he’s taken Magnus’s half-hard cock in hand.  

“Remind me what you like,” Alec whispers, nuzzling into Magnus’s ear as he moves his hand with purpose over Magnus’s cock.  

Magnus breathes through Alec’s touches at first, crooking his neck to watch, wedded rune on Alec’s wrist on full display, the contrast of the black against Alec’s skin visible even in the dark of the room.

“Do you wanna--” Alec begins, suddenly interrupted by Magnus briskly sitting up.

“Magnus?” Alec calls out softly in surprise.

Silence.

“Did I do-- did I say--?”

As the words ‘no such thing’ come to the tip of his tongue, Magnus can’t breathe.

“No,” Magnus says, his voice wrecked.

Alec sits up then too, staggered just behind and to the side of Magnus. His instinct is to touch - he isn’t sure if he should - but Magnus hasn’t gone far, their legs still in contact. But he goes slow.

“Hey,” Alec says quietly as he places a hand on Magnus’s back. Magnus flinches at first, but then seems to relax into it when Alec doesn’t move away.

“This okay?” Alec asks.

A nod.

Alec starts rubbing Magnus’s back gingerly. He can feel Magnus shaking beneath his palm, but he’s quiet.

“Magnus… Can I help? Is there something--”

“More,” Magnus instructs weakly.

Alec thinks he understands. Crowding in on Magnus, Alec kisses his shoulder blade, up to his shoulder, to his neck. Then he curls around Magnus’s back, putting his hands to Magnus’s waist, his chin on Magnus’s shoulder, nuzzling against his neck.

Magnus lets out a relieved, but strained, shuddering sigh as he melts into Alec.

“Shh… it’s okay...” Alec soothes, "Whatever it is... it's okay."

It’s no answer, but Magnus reaches for Alec’s arms and wraps them around himself, squeezing tightly, so it’s just abstract pressure, not Alec’s fingers splayed on his hips, not Alec’s chest against his back, not Alec’s lips like a brand on his skin.  

Long moments pass before Alec takes a deep breath and finds the courage to slowly whisper the question that has formed in his mind, one for which he finds himself terrified of the answer.

“The way I touch you… it’s different, isn’t it? Different than before?”

“No,” Magnus rasps out quickly, “It’s-- It’s _the same_. It’s the same and… I’m just... overwhelmed. I… It came on so quickly I just… God, Alec, I’ve missed you so much,” Magnus blurts out, turning in Alec’s arms then.

Alec inhales sharply, it’s _a lot_ , and he freezes for a moment in the face of Magnus’s sad, hopeful, glossy-eyed gaze.

“I’m here now,” Alec manages after a beat, then places a slow, deep kiss to Magnus’s lips - one finite movement that lacks all the fire from earlier, but carries comfort with it in equal spades.

“Come on then,” Alec says as he laces his fingers with Magnus’s, beginning to move, tugging Magnus along with him.

“To where?”

“To the bed with dry sheets.”

As Alec leads the way to his bedroom, they find their interlocked fingers aren’t nearly enough contact - an arm’s length is infinitely too far. They quickly end up tangled in a slow stumbled waltz down the hall, eventually landing gracefully on the plush, dry, mattress, Alec taking Magnus’s silent direction to _their_ sides of the bed.

There are no words that need to be said - they both know it’s just to sleep wrapped up in each other. And suddenly, in Magnus’s mind, the whole world dissolves into one singular, beautiful, dilemma:

To hold or be held.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tune in next time so see how Alec and Magnus spend the two day "break" ;)


End file.
